My Children Are Not Your Barbie Dolls

An early Barbie doll (and Ken doll, whose lost...Image via Wikipedia

I made a mistake. I let someone into my home thinking she was a friend. I let her become part of our lives thinking she cared about our family, and I was wrong.

As a parent, we make mistakes. The important part is owning them, admitting to them, and making it extraordinarily clear to our children that we own those mistakes.

The second part is stopping the mistake in its tracks. As soon as I knew what was happening, it stopped. The liar and manipulator was out of our lives, but my children had stories they needed to tell me.

So, I kept listening.

That’s what we do as parents. We keep listening, because we understand that children need us to listen. They don’t need us to manipulate them. They are not toys. They are not trophies. We don’t parade them around because they make us look good. They are individuals.

So, we listen.

And, when they tell us that someone has told them things that are false, told them things we don’t agree with, and told them to keep secrets from us, we have work to do as parents.

Children are not Barbie dolls. They are real people, with real emotions, and real opinions, and they need to be respected.

However, they are also children. In this case, they are children with a parent who still makes the decisions about teaching them what I believe is right and wrong. That choice does not get to be made by someone who thinks children are Barbie dolls. If she wants to share her views on drugs with children, she should have some kids of her own (or maybe not). My kids will be raised by me (far away from her influence, from now on), thank you very much.

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Mitch Hedberg is Educational

Although it probably wouldn’t work because I’m already married and eMusic is website. I don’t think Bob will give me a divorce just so I can marry eMusic. Can I marry a website? Because right now, I totally want to marry eMusic.

When The Artist Formerly Known As Chemo Boy (whom I now have a symbol for, check it out):


(although, I made it myself. So, I’m not sure if it means No More Chemo or No More Toxic Waste Dumps.)

anyway, when he got The Cancer, and I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate by dropping our external hard drive (with all of our backup data) on the floor, killing it dead, I never got around to re-downloading all of my tunes from eMusic. In fact, I put my account on hold (because they are so nice they actually let you do that) and just plain forgot about the whole damn thing until this week when I got an email from those lovely folks at eMusic reminding me that they were reactivating my account.

I’m sure it’s because they sensed my need for music, not because they wanted to go back to collecting my monthly fee. They strike me as a generous people. A generous people with good taste.

In addition to downloading the bazillion trillion million (An official number. I know because I was gifted for a brief period in early elementary school before I became too dumb and they kicked me out.) songs I had lost in the hard drive floor drop of ‘09, I also discovered some New To Me tunes.

If you’ll all just quiet the fuck down, I’ll tell you what I got. I said shush up. I’m still waiting. Hey, I’ve got all the time in the world over here. As soon as Johnny pipes down…well, alrighty then.

The DodosVisiter

The Dodos – 3 Individual Tracks from Time to Die: Longform, Troll Nacht, Acorn Factory

Mitch HedbergMitch Alltogether

Now, I’d never even heard of The Dodos prior to today. I know, some hipster just dropped his can of PBR. My deepest apologies. But, my Mitch download should compensate for any hipster offenses.

Truthfully, Mitch should have already been in my downloaded music. He should have been spending his nights spooning Stephen Lynch in the comedy section of my iTunes library. Alas, he was not. Poor Stephen’s been lying there bare-assed and cold. (I reverse-alphabetize the comedy section for spooning purposes.)

To do penance, I’ll spend the evening listening to Mitch with my son. I’m sure it’s totally age-appropriate. Hell, we’re homeschoolers. It’ll be an interdisciplinary course – history of comedy and drug education. Throw in some Salvadoran takeout for dinner, and we can make it a multicultural event. Don’t judge until you’ve walked to the minivan in my flip flops.

Great. Now I’m craving pupusas, and it’s all your fault for making me turn this into a learning experience for my kid. The things I do for you people.

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Chemo Boy Update

Disease-modifying treatments are expensive and...

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I really need one of you artsy fartsy types to draw me a Chemo Boy superhero. Dad? Bro? Unicorns? Come on. Something with a cape and a bald head would be nice.

Anyhoo. This week was Hubs’ chemo-induced low point for blood counts and immune system, which means Neupogen shots. He’s opposed to me coming at him with a needle for some odd reason, so he goes to the injection center to get it done. He’s liking the side effects of Neupogen shots less with each round. Since they kick your bone marrow into production mode, it’s like having all-over growing pains, but he seems to be able to manage the pain with acetaminophen. So, it’s either not too bad, or he has balls of steel.

He’s been wanting to take some flowers to the nurses as a thank you for sticking needles in him on a regular basis, so I picked up an orchid for him to take with him when he went in for this round of injections. Unfortunately, chemo brain has fully set in, and he managed to forget the 3-foot tall plant that I’d placed next to the front door, not once, but twice. Thankfully, it’s a plant. It should still be alive when we go in for his next chemo cycle in June.

Prior to Tuesday’s Neupogen shot, Hubs also got the requisite blood work done. His sedimentation rate (sed. rate) has come up a tad, but still looks good, and everything else is in the normal range. His LDH has come down even further, and is now 112, I believe.

Aside from a serious case of chemo brain, some tingly fingers, and a sexy bald head, he’s continuing to kick cancer’s ass.

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Mr. Lumpy and Johnny Depp: Six Degrees of Separation

Johnny Depp at the Pirates of the Caribbean: D...

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A few people do actually arrive on my site looking for information. I know. Poor them. But, I aim to please. I also over-share. It’s what makes this a blog.

When we arrived home from our little outing to WonderCon this afternoon (a period of time in my life I will never get back), there was some mail that hadn’t been brought in yesterday because we’re a sloth-like people. One of the envelopes was from my good friends at Kaiser Permanente.

I tore open the plain white envelope to get my mitts on Mr. Lumpy’s pathology report. I already knew the news was good (no cancer), but I’m an information whore. So, I wanted the dirty bits of news. The big words. The numbers.

To keep my promise of over-sharing, I’m going to let you in on the scoop. Who knows, maybe some other woman who’s been losing sleep over her own Mr. Lumpy will stumble upon my site and find out it’s probably no big deal, but important to get that biopsy to be sure.

Without further adieu, I give you THE PATHOLOGY REPORT [cue ominous piano].

FINAL PATHOLOGICAL DIAGNOSIS [I have to type in all caps, because they did. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be official. Don’t you guys know anything? Sheesh.]


[This is followed by a “Gross Description,” which I find highly offensive. Who are they to call my body parts gross? Also, it’s in lowercase, which tells me it’s less official/important.]

Gross Description:

Right breast biopsy: Consists of a 14 gram [That sounds huge to me. Of course, my only knowledge of grams comes from viewing the movie “Blow,” starring Johnny Depp. So, what do I know?], nonoriented [I swear they make words up.] 30 x 35 x 15 mm oval biopsy. Cut-section reveals a uniform, white, rubbery [Say it with me, because you know you want to: EW!!!] firm cut surface devoid of grossly discernible masses and/or additional abnormalities. [Proof I’m not abnormal. You read it here, first.] An estimated 75% of the specimen submitted in gibberish gibberish gibberish…[They lost me, right there. WHERE’S THE OTHER 25%???]

What have we learned? I have no idea.

Most likely I will live, and eventually die. Will breast cancer be involved in any of that? Who the hell knows? For now, bullet dodged. Just need to keep my eye open for buses. I hear it’s quite common to be hit by one.

P.S. I spent an obscene amount of time selecting that Johnny Depp image. Very few non-copyrighted photos of that man, which tells me he knows his value.

P.P.S. This may be the closest my bewbs get to Johnny Depp. So, you can understand my desire to painstakingly select the photo. In the end, I’m still not happy with my selection, but it will do. If you want hotter photos of his royal Deppiness, give him a Google.

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Gin and Joost

Somewhere, someone has a voodoo doll with pins in its eyebrows and neck, a feather down its throat and duct tape over the mouth.  Wherever you are, whomever you are, please, as the doll's human counterpart, I'm asking you to set her free. 

For the first time ever, I was given a prescription for Tamiflu.  Never read the side effects.  Life has side effects.  This flu is a side effect of living.  Now, if the codeine cough syrup actual had a primary effect on my cough, I'd be thrilled.  Instead, I'm on bag #3 of cough drops, liter #2 of hot herbal tea, and still have a constant, nagging, tickle and hack happening.

Oh, did I mention I also have no voice.  Well, no audible voice.  Not just a scratchy, this-is-Brenda-Vaccaro-for-Playtex-Tampons voice, but none.  The kids were very excited by this, initially.  They celebrated by yelling at each other like Felix and Oscar this morning, then carried on again this evening. 

As the sun descended, Bug became less enamored with the Voiceless Mother.  He is the only one who comes when I ring the giant dinner bell he brought me to keep beside my bed.  He was like Jeeves the first few hours.  But, by this evening, he was pleading, "Can anyone else answer the bell around here?"  I'm considering sticking with the mutism for a bit after I'm well. Of course, by midnight I'll be making promises to God that I'll speak loud and clear if  He'll just stop this annoying cough and excruciating headache.  Amen.

The highlight of today was that I got my beta account for Joost.  For the first time in a LONG number of years, I feel I might actually be ahead of my time and a little too-cool-for-school. Joost is everything TV should be.  It's why some people don't have cable/satellite, why they don't watch network TV, why traditional providers offer things like PPV and On Demand.  I haven't played with it too much yet, but plan to when my head stops throbbing.  Right now, audio is my enemy.  But, when that codeine kicks in, who knows.  I might Joost some White Stripes.  Okay, I'm teasing.  I already Joosted Jack & Meg.  How could I pass that up?  I just turned it down low and it was only an interview.  Maybe I'll Joost some National Geographic or Yoga with Rodney Yee for now.

Sorry for the lack of links to those last few random references, I'm too damn tired to google & paste for y'all. 

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