Mitch Hedberg is Educational

Although it probably wouldn’t work because I’m already married and eMusic is website. I don’t think Bob will give me a divorce just so I can marry eMusic. Can I marry a website? Because right now, I totally want to marry eMusic.

When The Artist Formerly Known As Chemo Boy (whom I now have a symbol for, check it out):

TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsChemoBoy

(although, I made it myself. So, I’m not sure if it means No More Chemo or No More Toxic Waste Dumps.)

anyway, when he got The Cancer, and I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate by dropping our external hard drive (with all of our backup data) on the floor, killing it dead, I never got around to re-downloading all of my tunes from eMusic. In fact, I put my account on hold (because they are so nice they actually let you do that) and just plain forgot about the whole damn thing until this week when I got an email from those lovely folks at eMusic reminding me that they were reactivating my account.

I’m sure it’s because they sensed my need for music, not because they wanted to go back to collecting my monthly fee. They strike me as a generous people. A generous people with good taste.

In addition to downloading the bazillion trillion million (An official number. I know because I was gifted for a brief period in early elementary school before I became too dumb and they kicked me out.) songs I had lost in the hard drive floor drop of ‘09, I also discovered some New To Me tunes.

If you’ll all just quiet the fuck down, I’ll tell you what I got. I said shush up. I’m still waiting. Hey, I’ve got all the time in the world over here. As soon as Johnny pipes down…well, alrighty then.

The DodosVisiter

The Dodos – 3 Individual Tracks from Time to Die: Longform, Troll Nacht, Acorn Factory

Mitch HedbergMitch Alltogether

Now, I’d never even heard of The Dodos prior to today. I know, some hipster just dropped his can of PBR. My deepest apologies. But, my Mitch download should compensate for any hipster offenses.

Truthfully, Mitch should have already been in my downloaded music. He should have been spending his nights spooning Stephen Lynch in the comedy section of my iTunes library. Alas, he was not. Poor Stephen’s been lying there bare-assed and cold. (I reverse-alphabetize the comedy section for spooning purposes.)

To do penance, I’ll spend the evening listening to Mitch with my son. I’m sure it’s totally age-appropriate. Hell, we’re homeschoolers. It’ll be an interdisciplinary course – history of comedy and drug education. Throw in some Salvadoran takeout for dinner, and we can make it a multicultural event. Don’t judge until you’ve walked to the minivan in my flip flops.

Great. Now I’m craving pupusas, and it’s all your fault for making me turn this into a learning experience for my kid. The things I do for you people.


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How to alienate your husband's family members in 6 steps

Y'all have to trust me on this one because I apparently have some savant-like skills in this arena that had gone untapped until just this past week. I am here to share what I have learned in order to help you avoid a similar situation.

Learn from my mistakes, kids. Once you read this, you will see how easy it is to achieve (or avoid) alienation of your husband's (or wife's) family members.

  1. Make sure your husband gets cancer. Write about it on your blog. Receive an outpouring of support from friends, family members, and complete strangers (aka unicorns).
  2. Have a crisis of faith because your husband has cancer. Write openly about it on your blog. Again, receive an outpouring of support from friends and family who offer to carry you in prayer when you are unable to pray yourself.
  3. When you can finally see there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, find the humor again that carries you and your husband through the battle and find the strength to use it again in your writing. Receive notes of support and encouragement from friends, family, and complete strangers thanking you for your refreshing approach to cancer, life with a special needs child, and parenthood.
  4. Continue to have crisis of faith, even after your husband’s cancer is in remission. Blog about it. Again, have friends, family, and strangers support you and understand this is a normal path to walk. Know in your heart that this is temporary, and that it will unfold in time.
  5. Share a humorous “slice-of-life” story on your blog about teaching your special needs child how to tie his shoes. Get anonymously, and repeatedly slammed in the comments by, whom you later discover is, your eldest brother-in-law for no apparent reason. Awesomesauce!
  6. Notice humorous blog stats from a reader searching your site for the terms “vagina” and “lesbian”. Turn it into a funny post about your favorite song about vaginas and your favorite educational video on the same subject. Give the post a title that’s a spoof on “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret,” substituting your blog name for “God” and the city name of the reader (Cleveland) for “Margaret.” Within the hour, have your husband receive a phone call from another family member who disowns him, claiming this post was written about his wife, and that you’re no longer welcome in their home. Craptastic! Your evil mission is complete!

 

Here’s a Pro Tip folks: If you have an issue with something I write, contact me directly. If you don’t want to leave a comment using your email address, then email me directly or call me (even though I’d rather gouge my eyes out than talk on the phone, I’ll do it for you because I love you). If you’re a family member, you obviously have my number. In case you’ve misplaced my email address, my contact information is located at the top of the blog.

I am the author of this blog, not my husband. The views expressed here are my own. He doesn’t have time to write this silly stuff because he actually sleeps at night. In fact, that’s what he’s doing right now. The big show off. Anyway, I’m serious. If you’re worried about me, don’t like what I’ve said, think my butt looks big, or want my dog to go on a diet, contact ME. Preferably by email, because I really, really, really hate the phone, but like I said, I’ll do it for you But only for you. No, not for you. Just you.

 Now can we all just sing Kumbaya and get on with the week because my daddy's home from the hospital, and that's an absolute fucking miracle. I don't care what deity you do or do not bow down to. Amen and sliced mayonnaise!


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