This Thanksgiving was filled with so much for which I am thankful. I have an incredible family, love an amazing man, and live in a beautiful part of the world. We are healthy and our needs are few.
Yet, as with every milestone, this holiday was marked with that grey cloud of grief and what is missing. Bug excused himself to his room for bit before the pie was served because he was missing his dad. Peanut needed extra hugs and love tonight after we'd gone to bed. I had a long cry when we finally made it to bed.
I'm resolved to think that there will always be a sense that part of us isn't here. Part of our whole is missing. As much as most of my days feel normal, on these kinds of days, the hole feels marked. There is somebody missing at the table. I hate that gaping hole. I don't feel very thankful for that hole.
I do feel thankful for the children left behind who remind me how wonderful our time together was. It is an honor to be their mother and watch them become young adults.
I do feel thankful for the man who loves me now, that he cares deeply about supporting me and my children through our grief. He is a blessing I cannot even begin to explain, and I tell him every chance I get how glad I am that I found him. (I had to weed through a LOT of kayakers and campers to find him, people!)
This life of walking with one foot on each path continues. I just wish Mr. Louboutin would make the appropriate pair of shoes for the journey. One grief stiletto. One new-love stiletto. Or maybe boots. Something over-the-knee would be nice, with a zipper up the back like he used to do. Mmmm...dreams.