As today was nearing the end, I thought maybe there just wasn't a fear I needed to face. I ran through a list I've been keeping of brainstormed ideas and nothing piqued my interest, much less pulled at me in the way fears do.
Then I curled up in bed and tears came streaming down my cheeks and I knew where I needed to go and what I needed to do. I climbed back out of bed and headed to the living room, curled up in Bob's La-Z-Boy chair and watched stand-up on Comedy Central with Bug. I needed to sit there, in Bob's chair. I needed to be in that space with my son. I needed to sit in the quiet of the night, just the two of us. As much as I would have rather stayed tucked into my bed, wrapped in my boyfriend's arms, crying, that wasn't going to get me over this hump. That wasn't going to rip off this bandaid.
As I rocked, Bug played a computer game, and together we laughed as we watched Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain work their magic. That familiar leather against my skin wasn't as scary as I though it would be. In fact, I felt a sense of peace. Maybe that place that was always his can gradually become someplace I feel comfortable.
Tiny steps; sitting, one night at a time.