News Flash: I’ve Changed

grief

Image by califmom via Flickr

While I was at BlogHer, the panel that was easiest for me to attend, even though I cried, was the grief panel. I felt my story being told by every person on the panel. When Loralee talked about how hard it is to be the friend of a a grieving person, I knew what she meant. We aren’t easy people to be around, especially if you were our friends before we suffered the loss.

It’s not easy to be my friend, especially right now. I am unpredictable in my needs and what I am able to give in a friendship. I often take and take because I have nothing to give. Or it looks like I’m giving everything to someone else, but not to you. I am inconsistent. My energy is fickle. My attention is scattered. And worst and most offensive to those who’ve known me before Bob died, I’VE CHANGED.

Holy shit. Who would have thunk it. The death of my husband changed me. I am not the same person I was before Bob died. I never will be. Can’t be. Won’t be. And I’m quite sure I’m not done changing. Change makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Not much I can do about that, but it’s one of the reasons why it’s hard to be my friend. It must be hard to watch me become a different person.

I think that’s why it’s easier for people to be my friend who’ve met me after Bob or who don’t need me to be that same person. People who understand I’m going to change have been okay with me, this process of changing, and the bumpy road I’m on. Thank God, because I need my friends. You all have been an absolute blessing.