Shoulds And Shouldn'ts

painImage by califmom via Flickr

I should be celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary this week. With my husband. We should be deciding where we want to go for the upcoming weekend, who will watch the kids, where we’ll eat dinner, what we’ll pack, and who will watch the dogs and cat while we’re away.

That’s what I should be doing this week. What we should be doing. We. Not I. WE.

I shouldn’t be crying.

I shouldn’t be missing him so much my heart feels like it’s being yanked from my chest with vice grips.

I shouldn’t have a pain in my stomach like a searing knife being twisted through to my spine.

I shouldn’t be wondering if I’ll ever know what it’s like to love someone that much again.

I shouldn’t be wondering if I’ll ever be loved that much again.

I shouldn’t be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, making a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Life isn’t about that. It’s about living, but today it just fucking hurts. It’s going to be a long week.