2 Live Crew, Meet The Tea Ass and Coffee Burro

I have an uncanny ability to time the few times I get sick with Bob’s lowest white blood cell counts. This time I managed to wait for his counts to get down to 0.4 until I got a fever. I never get fevers. Ever. Even when I feel like a I have a fever, I don’t.

But last night, after doing a bunch of chores all day, cleaning out the fridge, running errands, catching up on laundry and just generally enjoying myself, I started to feel really run down. For the hell of it, I popped a thermometer in my mouth. 99.2. Must be wrong. Tried it again. 99.1. Tried another thermometer. 99.1. Tried it again. 99.1.

Fuck.

Face mask.

Spare IKEA mattress (4 in. thick, padded it with a comforter). Family/Laundry room floor (adjoining the kitchen). And the birth of a new motto:

Shade Down, Mask Up

Shade Down, Mask Up, That’s The Way I Like to Fuck…Cancer!

(Thank you 2 Live Crew for the inspiration.)

There are upsides to my current accommodations. For example:


  • Sleeping next to the washer and dryer means I can have blankets with that “fresh from the dryer” feeling any time I want.

  • I’ve always wanted a water spigot in my bedroom for drinking water because I’m THAT LAZY. Now, the kitchen’s in the same room.

  • Better AT&T signal on my iPhone means I can play Words with Friends without having to constantly play the Airport mode on/off game.


But, I miss Bob. So, we chat and text. You’ve gotta love technology when germs are an issue. Here’s an excerpt from one of our recent chats. I’ve given it a title:

The Famed Tea Ass and Coffee Burro

him: how come amazon doesn't want me to shave?
me: i don't know. i need to check on that. brb
me: your razor arrived in san pablo today.
i'm guessing it'll be here tomorrow even though the estimated delivery date is 1/6
unless they're sending it by burro
him: that's possible .. doesnt juan pablo have a burro that carries his coffee beans?
me: juan valdez
him: err .. juan valdez
me: and it's an ass
him: same thing, they are all related
me: or a donkey
him: cuz
me: i can't remember
him: no, it's definitely a burro!
me: a coffee burro
they use asses for tea
i can never keep that straight

This is how you keep the love alive, people. Observe the masters.