I Only Had To Threaten To Hang Myself

Giotto di Bondone (1267-1337), Cappella Scrove...Image via Wikipedia

Every. Single. Time.

Every. Time.

When you live it the ‘hood, you are blessed with overhead utilities. Electricity, cable, phone, internet. All overhead. It swings from the pole, across the street, to the roof of the house.

Then the big moving truck drives down the street. The big moving truck swerves to miss the overhead cables that swoop down to the front of every other house.

Not. My. House.

Every. Single. Time.

Every. Time.

Ripped. The. Fuck. Off.

Clean. Off.

Me: Hello, Comcast?

Comcast: Yes? How may I help you?

Me: The cable has been ripped off the front of my house, and it’s dangling from a tree into the middle of the street.

Comcast: So, there’s no picture on your TV?


Me: [after regaining my will to live] There’s no phone, no Internet, no TV, because there’s no CABLE CONNECTED TO MY HOUSE. It’s in the middle of the street because it was severed by a moving van.

Comcast: Oooooohhhhh. We can have someone out there in 7 to 10 working days.

Me: ...

Two days later, ten quatrabazillion phone calls later, and eventual contact with what appears to be an actual human, I am finally assured someone will be out to reconnect the dangling cable.

Comcast: You’re on the schedule for 7pm tonight.

Me: So, at 7:30pm, if no one’s here from Comcast, I can commence with hanging myself from the cable?

Comcast: ((laughter)) Yeah. ((nervous laughter)) I mean, no. Don’t hang yourself.

Me: Okay, 7:30. I’m hanging myself at 7:30.

Comcast: We’ll be there at 7, ma’am.

I am happy to report I did not, in fact, get to have to hang myself. Comcrap is back up and running.