It’s time someone speak out on behalf of those who don’t get it. They suffer in a stoic, serious world, never understanding the joy of rolling on the floor, laughing, peeing in their pants.
It ain’t right.
That’s why I’m starting a campaign to help save those who’ve been born with the most tragic of all birth defects: A MISSING SENSE OF HUMOR.
As with most causes, it’s important we have a ribbon and a logo.
We also need a poster child (or adult). If you have a photo you’d like to submit for the Face of The Humorless (make sure you have the necessary permissions, we don’t want some humorless asshole a humor-challenged individual suing us for copyright infringement).
If you’re unsure whether or not you or your loved one suffers from this tragic birth defect, complete this brief assessment:
1. Have you ever wondered if you could learn how to be funny?
(You’re born funny or you aren’t = 0 points; Yes = 1 point; Why = 10 points)
2. Do you have to ask for jokes to be explained?
(Never = 0 points; Always = 1 point; What jokes = 10 points)
3. Does this blog deeply offend you, yet you keep reading it?
(Fuck no, I’m in The Bloggess Army = subtract 10 points; Only when you talk about vaginas = 1 point; Very Much, But Fox News Lists You As A Notable National Terrorist = 10 points)
4. Click here. Does anything on this page evoke a giggle or laugh from you?
(Yes, I had to change my underwear = 0 points; Yeah, what was that? = 1 point; That was disturbing, I must bleach my eyes and go to confession. = 10 points)
-10 to 0
You were one of those people blessed to be born without the CURSE. Count yourself among the fortunate ones and step up to the plate to help fight for a cure for those who weren’t so lucky, twatwaffle.
1 to 4
You dodged nature's bullet, too, but you waiver on the edge of not getting it on occasion. Watch a little more Craig Ferguson, steer clear of Dane Cook, and get David Sedaris’ box set. You’ll catch up with your peers in the –10 to 0 category in no time.
It’s okay. We are here to support you. Now you understand why you’ve had such a hard time around the water cooler, never stopped the remote on Comedy Central (except when Dane Cook was on), and found yourself offended by every little interaction with the world. If you get a moment, take a picture of yourself and email it in. We’d love to have you as The Face of the Humorless. This cause is your cause. We can’t find a cure without you (but mostly your face).
And while you’re at it, folks, take a moment to scope out a real cause. This month is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. It sucks ass to get cancer at any age, but it’s a particularly crappy way to kick off your life. One organization I like (for donating to and info) is Alex’s Lemonade Stand. If you're on Twitter, don't forget to throw a gold twibbon on your mug to remind others. Or, if your avatar looks like mine, it makes you appear to be snorting a ribbon for childhood cancer awareness. Equally awesome.