I Got The Weirdest Swag At BlogHer

I don’t know what conference y’all went to, but it was not the same one I attended. That’s for damn sure. First of all, the swag I brought home looks nothing like the swag I’ve seen in everyone else’s posts.

Did anyone else get one of these unicorn horns?

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It was a bitch to attach to my headband, and I have no idea why they put a hole in the end of it. Seems totally unnecessary for a unicorn to have a hole in the end of its horn. The company giving them away kept telling me I was using it wrong, but they refused to demonstrate it themselves, so whatever. They kept saying they had to go pee outside and I kept telling them that was unnecessary, that the Sheraton had perfectly fine bathrooms inside that they were welcome to use. They were also obsessed with standing up to pee, which I also found strange. Must have been some kind of penis envy.

Or what about this battery operated bunny?

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My kids are still trying to figure out how to make it hop. Damn thing acts like it’s got epilepsy, but won’t hop for shit. And what kind of children’s toymaker puts a hootchie mama on the box front of a toy? That’s just tacky. Honestly, I don’t even think it looks that much like a bunny, unless you bred a turquoise blue bunny with Mr. Bill, then maybe. Either way, the kids are not impressed. They’re trying to steal my unicorn horn.

In addition to the swag, I also got to talk to a guy claiming to be a journalist for a newspaper called the Chicago Tribune. Some local rag, I guess. He either really does work for this alleged newspaper, or he fakes a good website. Slightly less embarrassing than that time I was featured on the Discovery Channel talking about the taste of breast milk, but not much. Again, I blame the editing. Some day, I’ll do my mama proud. I hope she’ll live to see it.

I did manage to score a corner to work my magic at the MamaPop shindig. I was able to demonstrate to the young folk just what the Beastie Boys meant when they said, “I did it with a Whiffle Ball bat.” I considered it my public service, my way of giving a little something back to the community, something to the younger generation. I was even given my first taste of unicorn booty at this bash, and boy was it teh yummy.

@califmom 's mutha flippin adspace, beeshes.

Saturday night, I macked a (shh, don’t tell my Fast Food Nation reading children) McDonald’s cheeseburger at the 3rd annual CheeseBurgHer party while donning my custom headwear and hanging it the presidential suite bedroom & pisser with some seriously cool peeps. I even spotted The Faux Monty in the shower in all his inflatable glory.

Just like last year, I made new friends. I learned new things. I laughed. I cried. And, I made plans to come back again next year. Because this BlogHer business, it gets under your skin in the best kind of way, not like those bad rashes that require both a topical and an oral medication. See y’all in NYC baby!