I Can't Pray

Detail of Religion mural in lunette from the F...Image via Wikipedia

Since Hubs got diagnosed with cancer, I have been unable to do the thing you might think would be the most comforting, the thing others all over the world are doing on his behalf, the thing he is doing for himself--pray.

I cannot.

I also cannot explain why.

I try.

I can't.

I try again.

I can't.

I try a different way, a different time, a different prayer, but I cannot pray.

It doesn't even feel like a crisis on faith.

I do not talk about my faith often. It is a personal faith, one absent of religion, but it is strong, it is deep, and it has been mine my whole life. Prayer has never eluded me. I have prayed for everything from a date to prom to cures for dying friends.

This is new.

It is foreign. Just like this whole experience is foreign.

What it feels like is a phone with no dial tone. I pick up to make the call, and there's no dial tone. So, I try again the next day, and still no dial tone. I keep picking up to make the call, and there is still no fucking dial tone.

Thankfully, it appears as if the rest of you who are praying are actually getting a dial tone. Keep making the calls.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]