Mr. Lumpy and Johnny Depp: Six Degrees of Separation

Johnny Depp at the Pirates of the Caribbean: D...

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A few people do actually arrive on my site looking for information. I know. Poor them. But, I aim to please. I also over-share. It’s what makes this a blog.

When we arrived home from our little outing to WonderCon this afternoon (a period of time in my life I will never get back), there was some mail that hadn’t been brought in yesterday because we’re a sloth-like people. One of the envelopes was from my good friends at Kaiser Permanente.

I tore open the plain white envelope to get my mitts on Mr. Lumpy’s pathology report. I already knew the news was good (no cancer), but I’m an information whore. So, I wanted the dirty bits of news. The big words. The numbers.

To keep my promise of over-sharing, I’m going to let you in on the scoop. Who knows, maybe some other woman who’s been losing sleep over her own Mr. Lumpy will stumble upon my site and find out it’s probably no big deal, but important to get that biopsy to be sure.

Without further adieu, I give you THE PATHOLOGY REPORT [cue ominous piano].

FINAL PATHOLOGICAL DIAGNOSIS [I have to type in all caps, because they did. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be official. Don’t you guys know anything? Sheesh.]


[This is followed by a “Gross Description,” which I find highly offensive. Who are they to call my body parts gross? Also, it’s in lowercase, which tells me it’s less official/important.]

Gross Description:

Right breast biopsy: Consists of a 14 gram [That sounds huge to me. Of course, my only knowledge of grams comes from viewing the movie “Blow,” starring Johnny Depp. So, what do I know?], nonoriented [I swear they make words up.] 30 x 35 x 15 mm oval biopsy. Cut-section reveals a uniform, white, rubbery [Say it with me, because you know you want to: EW!!!] firm cut surface devoid of grossly discernible masses and/or additional abnormalities. [Proof I’m not abnormal. You read it here, first.] An estimated 75% of the specimen submitted in gibberish gibberish gibberish…[They lost me, right there. WHERE’S THE OTHER 25%???]

What have we learned? I have no idea.

Most likely I will live, and eventually die. Will breast cancer be involved in any of that? Who the hell knows? For now, bullet dodged. Just need to keep my eye open for buses. I hear it’s quite common to be hit by one.

P.S. I spent an obscene amount of time selecting that Johnny Depp image. Very few non-copyrighted photos of that man, which tells me he knows his value.

P.P.S. This may be the closest my bewbs get to Johnny Depp. So, you can understand my desire to painstakingly select the photo. In the end, I’m still not happy with my selection, but it will do. If you want hotter photos of his royal Deppiness, give him a Google.

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