News In Small Doses And What Your Mother Meant About Wearing Clean Underwear

Various styles of panties

Image via Wikipedia

There’s some line about God not giving you more than you can handle. Apparently, we’re not getting more information than we can handle. At least, not today, which is fine.

Let’s start with the shit news. Get it out there where we can smell it.

Dr. W and Bob talked briefly today. The cancer is back and widespread, which explains the rapid return of the symptoms. We meet with Dr. W on Wednesday to discuss the treatment details. For now, all we know is that chemo will be two days each time instead of one.

Tomorrow, Bob will need to do a MUGA scan to confirm his heart’s in good shape for chemo, which he would like to start on Thursday. Dr. W is on board with this request assuming the MUGA looks good, which he expects it will.

And, good news, Bob’s bone marrow is clear. No cancer there. Fuck yeah! We’ll take that one.

While Bob was gathering all this news from Dr. W, I was driving my numb butt/spasming back to the Spine Clinic to meet Spine Doc. I dressed in yoga pants thinking I’d be needing to show my range of movement to the doctor. Maybe do the splits. A pirouette.

Yeah, so when your mom tells you to wear clean underwear, she means granny panties. And here’s why:

I was led into the exam room by Nice Nurse. Nice Nurse took my history as I did Lamaze breathing because my fucking back fucking hurt. Nice Nurse said Spine Doc would want to do an exam so I’d need to disrobe from the waist down.

No problem. I’ll strip. Gown.

Nice Nurse kept talking. Nice nurse said I should leave my underwear on. The gown would open in the back.

HOLD UP.

BACK UP.

There are only two types of underwear worn with yoga pants:


  1. None.

  2. Thong.


Knowing I’d be going to the doctor, I’d opted for #2.

And, having seen the patients exiting Spine Doc’s office prior to me, most of them using canes, all of them a good 30-40 years my senior, I’m guessing my ass was, even at 40 years of age, one of the firmer asses he got to see today. And the only one in a thong.

Dignity. I left it there. Right where my naked ass cheeks stuck to the paper.

Fuuuuuck. And I still don’t know shit about what’s wrong with my back. But, Spine Doc is going to do another MRI, I’m going to see some more specialists to see if they can unravel the mystery from other angles (yeah, laugh), and see if I can’t find some suitable granny panties. Maybe something with a nice daisy print.

Now, time to hit iTunes for some downloads to entertain us during chemo. We’re gonna need some funny shit to get us through this round.