This time, the elephant’s unbuttered.
When my husband was originally diagnosed with cancer the onset was quick, but we didn’t realize what was happening.
This time, we know. We’ve been given the heads up and the pace of the return of his symptoms immobilizes me at times. And we just got the news 6 days ago.
Once again, I’m watching him die before my eyes. Once again, he’s telling me he’ll beat it. Once again, I’m not so sure.
I hear the crackling sound when he breathes, hear him cough as he tries to speak, tell him it’s alright to take something for the pain in his lung, curl up next to him when he goes to bed early exhausted, and watch his face swell more each day.
And it’s only been six days. And my mind goes to the darkest places. Like how would I do this alone? How would our children survive without their father? And then I just have to stop. Because I can’t deal the elephant that isn’t here. The What If Elephant. I have to deal with the What Is Elephant.