Diagnosis: Numb Butt

Hold please for a trip down TMI lane.

My crotch is numb. My bladder and “stuff” aren’t communicating with brain like they should. My girlie bits are losing feeling. My butt actually hurts. So does my lower back, especially when I bend over for any length of time. (No, I’m not having the buttseks. I wouldn’t be able to feel it, anyway, but Bob has promised he’s not been sneaking anything in the back door. )

When you’re a tall chick, you have to bend over to do just about everything…load the dishwasher, do laundry, pick up the various items that your family leaves strewn about the house, put on your shoes. You get the idea.

A lot of bending.

For my entire life, I’ve been an incredibly flexible person. Physically flexible. Like a noodle. Gumby, they used to call me.

Now, I can barely touch my toes. Some days, I actually can’t.

Enter the MRI. Enter me into the MRI machine.

Have you ever had an MRI? Not the place for people who have panic attacks. AT ALL. Holy shit. Tiny tube. Jackhammer sounds. And you're inside a magnet. And you're thinking, "Hey maybe they left a staple inside me after that one surgery. How the fuck do I know? Wait. I can totally feel it moving. OMG. It's being sucked out of me. It's going to be ripped out of my abdomen. I wonder how many people that's happened to. Can they tell if my guts burst open while I'm in here?" But then, I just thought, this is going to make the best blog post ever. Especially if my guts burst open. But my guts didn't burst open. Turns out I didn't have anything metal inside me. Sorry. I tried, guys. I guess I didn’t want it badly enough. Or my heart wasn’t pure.

What I do have inside me is some mild arthritis (who doesn’t), a bone spur, and the probable source of my inability to bend over or sit/walk/stand for any length of time, a Tarlov cyst (a type of spinal arachnoid cyst). The cyst wasn’t what my doctor initially focused on (she went with the arthritis), but after reading about the dermatomes associated with the location of the arthritis and the dermatomes associated with the location of the cyst, plus the symptoms associated with Tarlov cysts, the arthritis just doesn’t fit.

Fortunately, I had a doctor who either listens to me and likes me, or just wants me to stop emailing her shit, so she’s referred me to the spine clinic and physical therapy.

Until then, I’m living a horizontal life or faking an upright life, than paying for it later. Damn butt.

P.S. I’ll be ranting about the lack of research in spinal cord injuries and their effects on sexual dysfunction in women in another post. Or maybe I’ll spare you all and just rant about it to the people who have to live with me in real life. Suffice it to say, there’s a pathetic lack of data out there. Men can’t pop a boner and the world stops spinning, but women? Yeah, someone did a study in 2007 on women’s orgasms and the relation to nerve damage and it was considered cutting-edge. 2007!!!! The first study of its kind!!!! No wonder we’re fucking cranky.