Week Three of Learning How to Sleep for Grownups

Thanks for tuning in, nuts and sluts. It’s Week Three of this grand experiment wherein I try to retrain my brain and body in the ways of slumber.

Want to know how I look? I’m showing you anyway.

Zombie

The plunger may be a bit of an exaggeration. So, sue me.

For those of you interested in the nitty-gritty details of Sleep Training programs, here are my Week Three Goals:

(Keep in mind, they’re customized to my particular brand of fucked-up sleep and my particular brand of crazy. Do not undertake this kind of program without supervision by your medical professional or someone like that, preferably someone who doesn’t have a plunger protruding from his or her frontal lobe.)

Complete the sleep diary each morning – you can either fill out a printed copy or enter it directly into your computer. [Morning? Yeah, um, I get around to this in the afternoon or evening when my brain is finally firing on all cylinders.]

Get out of bed within a half hour of 10:00 AM daily. [Still flunking on this goal.]

Limit time allotted for sleep to 8.0 hours. [This has been reduced by 1 hour since last week.]

Do not go to bed before 02:00 AM. [Last week it was 1:00 AM. Shouldn’t be a problem since I only made it there by 1:00 twice and had to get back up because I wasn’t asleep w/in 1/2 an hour anyway.]

Use the bedroom primarily for sleep. [I’ve been surprisingly compliant on this…a HUGE change for me. No TV or laptop use. Only minor twitching has occurred.]

Limit time in bed before lights out and after final awakening to a half hour. [I’ve been really good about this, too. Again, a HUGE change for me. I love my bed. It’s quite comfy. I miss it. It’s nicer than any other seat in the house.]

Do not go to bed until drowsy. [I don’t really get drowsy until the sun comes up. I have to pretend I’m drowsy around 2:30 or 3 AM to make this scenario work.]

Follow the ½ hour-½ hour rule. [I suck at this. I’d feel like a Jiffy Pop kernel if I did this. I’m getting better about just holding out until I can manage to fall asleep within an hour of getting into bed, even if that means not getting into bed until 4 AM.]

Review the progress summary and complete the compliance checklist. [yeah, yeah, yeah.]

Review key concepts, goals, and goals not met on the homepage. [okay, okay]

Work on medication reduction goal. [I’ve only taken meds a couple nights through this whole process and they weren’t sleep meds. They were for anxiety, but I counted them as sleep meds because the anxiety is related to the sleep issues on some level. But, they don’t make me sleepy.]

Continue using positive sleep thoughts to replace negative sleep thoughts. [This gives me flashbacks to Neurolinguistics Programming, but I'll bite because I'm fucking desperate.]

I will never fall asleep.


  • I am more likely to fall asleep as my body temperature falls throughout the night. [4 AM is night, right?]

  • I have a natural drive to get my core sleep. I will get to sleep later tonight. [Again, need to work on the definition of “later tonight” considering I’m not even allowed to get into bed until 2 AM.]


I slept very little or not at all last night.


  • I am probably getting more sleep than I think I am. [I’m pretty good at counting.]

  • Worrying about how much sleep I get can make my insomnia worse. I can and will learn how to improve my sleep. [Awesome.]


I will never learn to sleep better.


  • My sleep will get better as I learn these behavioral techniques. [Yes.]

  • These techniques work for most people who have trouble sleeping, so they will work for me. [I can’t wait.]