The Living Dead

Death haunts even the beautiful: an early 20th...Image via WikipediaI died for the first time in May of 2004. Kelly died and left. I died and stayed.

I died again on October 10, 2007. The school quit my son, and I quit life.

I don't know how to come back to life. It's been such a long time since I've felt like part of the living.

I'm good at faking it for the rest of the world, but Hubs knows. He knows because he's the one who takes care of his dead wife.

It is unfair, and I don't know how to fix it.

It is unfair to him. It is unfair to our children. It is unfair to me, but it is me.

How do you resurrect yourself?

Mind you, I have no intention of actually dying, at least not ahead of schedule or anything. But, this corpse I am right now, it's got to go.

I've had glimpses of being alive. They come in spurts, but never seem to stick.

I want them to stick.

I need them to stick.

I need to figure out how to string them together into living--make a chain of wholeness, lightness, happiness.

Until then, I thank God I have people who love me.