Things I Don't Do

  • New Year's Resolutions: I think they're silly. If you want to resolve to do something, why wait for January 1st? Also, I'm lazy. I guess I could resolve to get up off my ass, but let's be realistic.

  • Gyms/Working Out: I've tried, donated to them, paid people to make sure I show up at them, and I still can't do it. They don't make sense to me. You're in the gym while you pay someone else to mow your lawn and clean your house? I guess if you like the gym more than mowing the lawn or cleaning the house, that makes sense. Me? I don't like any of those things. Maybe I should pay someone to go to the gym for me.

  • Coupons: With the best of intentions and a snazzy little organizer, I used to clip and sort coupons. That's about as far as it got, though. So, rather than waste my time and add more paper clutter to my world, I just skip them altogether.

  • Recipes: I have an ingrained inability to follow recipes to the letter. Can't do it. It probably stems from the fact that I'm not so great at being told what to do. My favorite cookbook is one that tells me what ingredients work well together. It's the only one I use with any regularity. (Culinary Artistry by Andrew Dornenburg and Karen Page)

  • Diets: For most of my life, I was well below the appropriate weight for my height thanks to some stellar genes. After Peanut was born, that was no longer the case. A few years later, I decided to try Weight Watchers with Hubs in a show of solidarity. After just a few weeks, I hadn't lost a pound (gained a few, in fact), and had developed an extraordinary hatred for having to obsess about every single food I encountered. That shit can make you crazy. Since I'm already crazy, I see no need to add to the pot.

  • Swimming/Jogging/Cycling: There is no chance you'll catch me doing a triathlon. My bicycle has a cup holder and a wicker basket, the way God intended it. I think pools are for relaxing, not laps. And I only run when chased.