You Know What's Super Fun?

  • realizing you've left your suitcase at your parents' house, 2 hours away, 1.5 hours before your 20-Year reunion
  • waking up the day after dancing like an 18-year old when you are, in fact, a 38-year old and noticing your left knee doesn't bend or support your 38-year old ass when you walk
  • coming home from your weekend away to discover your dogs have escaped from the dog run in the 2 hours since you told the dog-sitter to go on home because you were "just stopping for a quick bit to eat" and wouldn't be more than an hour
  • going out into the backyard to find that the dog(s) have eaten the remaining contents of 2 boxes of rat poison that you've been meaning to throw away for months*
  • spending the morning and many dollars at the vet to save your dogs from 3 oz. of poison so toxic it could have killed them both and a couple of kids too, yet carries only this warning in the FAQs on the corporate website and is available, on an unsecured shelf, in a store near you:

If my pet eats the rodent bait, could it die?
A:
The risk to your pet depends on what type of pet it is, how big it is, what type of bait it has consumed, as well as how much bait was consumed. If a situation occurs, please consult your veterinarian or call the toll free number located on the package and you will be directed to a specially trained individual who will assist in your next steps.

If my pet eats a dead rodent that may have eaten d-CON, will it die?
A:
The potential of any secondary poisoning depends on what type of pet it is, how big it is, what type of bait it has consumed, as well as how much bait was consumed. If you are concerned about a possible exposure, you may wish to contact your veterinarian or the toll free number located on the package to be directed to appropriate personnel who can address your concerns. Occurrences of this type of poisoning are extremely rare.


*Super. Just super. Feeling like dipshit-of-the-year right about now. The one non-organic pest control product we have and it nearly kills the critters we love. They'll have to take vitamin K1 for the next 2 months until the toxin (Broadifacuom), an anticoagulant, is out of their system and their blood can clot normally again. Until then, we'll be trying to keep them from any major physical activity that could result in internal or external bleeding. Oh, and installing a new gate on the dog run.