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BTW, He's Dead

I feel, sometimes, like that's how it goes.

I get an email asking for his signature, or a piece of mail, or some such thing. I reply.

Sometimes I soften the blow for the recipient. Sometimes—fuck it, I just don't have it in me.

I take a Sharpie to the envelope and scrawl DECEASED (but, leave out MOTHER FUCKER, which is what I really want to write).

Yeah, he's dead. You'll need to deal with me.

Return to sender. Deceased.

Oh, BTW, widow.

Jaded? Maybe.

Reality? Yup.

I check "Ms." and mark "widow," but I still get his mail and have to explain at least once a week that he is gone.

I explain it at the dentist. I explain it to the bank. I fill it out on forms for school. Still. Always. Forever.

How do we fix this, people? How do we make this easier? It shouldn't be this constant, stabbing, always reminder of the pain.

A week off. Just one.

I am not the only widow. I am not unique.



Reader Comments (6)

So much suckage. I am so sorry. Since he was just a baby I only had 2 pieces of mail addressed to Matthew that came in months after he died...his medical and ambulance bills.

It stabbed me in the heart.

I cannot fathom how hard that must be to do over and over and over again..

I'm so sorry, babe.

January 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

And I cannot imagine losing my baby. Imagining. Ugh. Reality is enough for both of us, I think.

January 18, 2012 | Registered CommenterCalifmom

and again: word.
and, an amen.

last week the world wildlife fund called for him.

and the mail, and the tyranny of the each and every day thing he touched, thing we'd tell. them.


January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJanet isserlis

if only we could mail a "kick in the nuts" back to the assholes who mindlessly send the Mother was getting stuff mailed to my Dad nearly 15 years after he passed........if only we could send "them" to "other side" to see the ones we have lost.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjeff

That feels awful. :( I think you just have to handle coolly for now. It'll pass I'm sure.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

I have no advice or help, but I can say that I can imagine that it sucks really hard and I'm sorry it just keeps going.

January 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpgoodness

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