Comparing Pain: Are You Grieving Wrong?

Pain: It’s not a contest. You can’t make it one, or you’ll lose. You’ll lose yourself, your friends, your reason for being. Nobody likes a martyr.

You also can’t invalidate your pain. It’s real. It’s yours. You have to own it. Not wallow in it, but know that it’s yours and real. You may have to remind yourself.

I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She feels like her pain isn’t as great as mine. I think that’s bullshit. Pain is pain. It hurts. It may not hurt her for as long, but I don’t know that for sure. How can I? It’s not my pain. It’s hers.

That’s the thing. Don’t let someone else dictate your grief. It might come in waves that cycle in minutes or days or weeks. It’s not about doing it right, following the rules of grieving, or fitting into someone else’s prescribed formula for what they did, or how it’s supposed to look.

If you see me laugh, it’s not because I’m done grieving. You don’t know that I spent the morning crying because I miss my husband more than I can bear. Going on living, it doesn’t mean you stop grieving.

In the same way that I can love both of my children in different ways, I can grieve for my spouse who’s gone, and move on with the life I want to live. Two passions can exist in one person. They aren’t mutually exclusive and they aren’t conflicting. Both require my energy, but there’s a balance.

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Comments

[Deb]

Not conflicting at all, and neither should require justification to anyone. Grief just is. So well said, love. xoxo

[J]

I could not agree more. My cousin and best friend gowing up died.She was having a c-section awaiting the term delivery of her second child.I will never know what happened in that room. Her last words. Whether she was in pain or at peace.I've carried her with me everywhere I go. Her children are constant reminders of her. Who she was and who she can never be again.I've been criticized for being in too much pain and of making people uncomfortable. I've also been criticized for celebrating her sons monthly birthdays because they are also the anniversary of her death.But it is my grief. My pain. And this is how I own it and live my life for me and for her.

[Suebob]

Rock on, my sister.

[erinmargrethe@gmail.com]

Bloody well said.

[Tina Cruz]

Well-said. My hero.t.

[michele]

yes, grief just is.but,gotta say,when someone told me about their dog that died and compared it,their horrible divorce where they thought it would be *better * if their husband had died,well, no. NO.grief is personal and it just is.....but there are levels of hell.there just are.but , yes, there's a balance, and living includes grieving.i am very glad i'm alive, and very sad he isn't.

[Karri Pelliccioni]

You're an amazing Woman and I love you.

[Denise]

I wish others understood you're thinking!

[Lara]

I totally agree. I've been on both sides of that kind of comparison - I've had others tell me that their pain "doesn't compare" to mine, and I've felt bad for grieving over things that "aren't as bad" as what others were going through. It doesn't really make sense from either side. I'm glad you're letting yourself laugh along with the crying.

[56thoughts]

"If you see me laugh, it’s not because I’m done grieving."

Very, very well said. Grieving is always personal, and differ per person.

One can just hope that the balance will turn to laughing over grieving in time.

[Amanda]

I think this is where I sit too. I have all the sympathy in the world for most people UNTIL they tell me that they know what *my* pain is like because their dog died or they got divorced. I don't know how it feels to be divorced but I imagine it hurts. I just don't like it being compared with my pain.Different rooms in hell just about covers it for me....

[ParentopiaDevra]

The metaphor I've used for grief is the undertow of the ocean. The undertow while always present there are days when it's not strong. On those days we can wade out into the ocean, we can play, we can move around easily, we can laugh and smile easily too. Then there are those days when the undertow is so powerful and strong, you can dip one toe in that ocean, and find yourself flat on your back in an instant and overcome by the feeling of being totally flooded with a tsunami of grief.

Grief is unique to every individual and every loss. This was a beautiful post Leah.

[Shana Dumblond]

Yes! I am with you 100%!

[Joie]

You know...I actually really "feel" this post. I lost my grandparents about ten years ago, and that hurt quite a bit. But it was also a relief in a sense...they were both ill for so long. And my grandpa really wanted to be with my grandma after she passed. They had absolutely fantastic lives and no regrets. Admirable really.

So I don't really know what it feels like to really grieve over a human being. But I have lost animals. My beautiful pets. I grieved. I am still grieving. It hurt me so badly, sometimes even after years, I still cry. They were a huge part of my life.

And sometimes I feel like my grief isn't as great as someone else's. That there is no comparison. But it's still my grief. And God, it hurts.

I can't tell you what my pain would feel like (in a trillion years) when my mom passes away. I am scared even thinking about the pain. Will it be different? I don't know...I just know it will hurt.

Thank you for your words...grief doesn't need validation. It's nothing that can be compared.

Thank you.

[Tamara Greet]

I read this post last night just as I ended a crying jag missing my mom. I actually felt bad for a moment that I was still crying over my mom even though it's been almost two years. I remember that at the year mark it was as if everyone expected me to just "be over it." Grief is so completely personal and it's impossible to compare yours to anyone elses.

[Debby Pucci]

Very excellent points. ((HUGS))

[shana]

me too.

[mrschaos]

Beautiful...and inspiring.

[Nancy Nelson]

Every person deals with grief in their own way and no one else can say how, when or for how long some one should grieve. I grieved my divorce after 22 years of marriage and discovered things about myself I might never have known if my marriage hadn't ended. I grieved my Dad's death from throat and lung cancer in 2002. I still miss him so much and still find myself thinking I should call him. Although I have always thought people who grieved intensely for the loss of a pet were a bit overboard, I have become tremendously attached to my daughters dog and know if something were to happen to him I would feel the loss more than I would have thought possible a few years ago. Leah, once more you expressed this so well. My thoughts and prayers are still with you and your family.

[Jay Cosnett]

Dang it, Leah, but don't you just hit the f-ing nail on the f-ing head!

I just neglected my children this evening because I had to write about an experience where two experiences of loss, very different in scope, or so one would think, turned out to be very similar, though it took me almost 30 years to realize it.

So often, I have heard people say, "There's no way I can understand what you're going through." And, on one, level, I want to say, "Fuckin'a, right!" But if you talk to them for 5 minutes, they'll tell you about losing their parent, or child, or brother, or sister, or grandmother, or PET for God's sakes, or their divorce, or whatever, and damnit if they CAN TOO understand!! No, it's not "the same" but what the FUCK does that mean, anyway. I'm not the same as I was yesterday, so why should we care? I keep coming around to thinking that our own discounting and devaluing of our feelings and our experiences is what keeps us from really being present for others when they NEED us. And keeps others from being present for US when we need THEM. And it is such a fucking waste. And so many souls and hearts could be saved if we could just be a little more honest and blunt and vulnerable, for each other. And for our kids.

You, Leah, are a pioneer in this. You tell it like it is. I bet you piss off some people. I say good. I say thank you. I say you are a revolutionary whom I hope one day to stand beside, as we whack our fellow humans upside the head until they get it. Because even it they don't, at least we tried. At least we gave a shit. And hopefully had some fun doing it.

BTW, is there such a thing as a cabana girl?

[Diana]

This post made me think of that line in Steel Magnolias where (in the movie version) the Dolly Parton character says, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." I have to agree.

[Al_Pal]

Ahhh. Excellent post. So well-said.Thank you.