The Things I Still Cannot Do

As I brushed my teeth this morning, I realized I still have so many hurdles ahead of me. Small to the outside observer, but huge for me.

My husband’s electric razor still sits on the shelf next to the sink. His toothbrush, too. In our bedroom, his clothes occupy more space than my own, taking up the entire dresser, a full closet and some still wait in the laundry area on hangers to be put away because I just cannot bring myself to make the decision what or where or how. Not yet.

Paperwork. Mail. The mostly unimportant. The binder from Stanford from the transplant that never happened. It sits, too. All reminders of the work I have to do. The physical work and the emotional work.

I’ll get there. Eventually. Until then, it all waits. He waits. With me. Until I’m ready.

Comments

[Tara @ This Military Mama]

I wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a hug. Maybe a bottle of wine too. I wish I could be there for you, holding your hand through the hard stuff, or just sitting with you, for companies sake. Even if we said nothing at all.

Since I can't, know that I think of you and I'm praying for you. I wish I could do more.

[Kelly]

In your own time, and time changes shape and order and direction when you're going through such huge changes and deep loss. xoxo kelly/kfedup

[Bon]

i wrote recently how it took me five years after the death of my son to rearrange my own bloody bedroom furniture. which baffled me. but the emotional work ate up the energy for the physical, for a long long time.

sounds like you are patient with yourself. i think that's wise. like you say, he waits with you, until you are ready. i love that image.

[Humantorch]

My dad passed away almost 3 years ago, and my mom still has some of his clothes and belongings floating around the house. I'm in no hurry to help her get rid of them.

[pgoodness]

It'll happen, there's no hurry. From the outside, it seems huge, actually. I read your tweets and I love that you are letting yourself have fun, but I know underneath, it's always there - but so is he.

[Janet Isserlis]

was SO thinking of you this morning. extra reason why I know why you were especially in my thoughts. i think.

as you can. as you're able.

you know that as far as we're able, we've got your back

much love,

[giromide]

So poetic.

Don't feel quick to discard or put away reminders of him.

[Miss Grace]

You'll get there when you get there.I'm sorry mama.

[Jason - GorillaSushi]

Same.

[Jay Cosnett]

Dang it but you and I sure are in sync sometimes! Check out my last two Facebook status updates, plus the wonderful comments.

You're awesome. Take your time. We should take our time. It *is* our time. No one else's.

Lotsa hugs and love!

Jay

[Amanda]

I hear you.I have things I just can't put away / give away / throw away. They sit in wait because I don't think part of me has worked out he isn't coming home.....and then there are the people who ask me where the crash site is. I only have a vague idea. I don't want to go there. I dont' want a memorial there. I'd be quite happy never to see it ...I think. ...and yet they all find this odd. A bit like the fact that while I'll need to know the overview of the coroner's report, I Do Not Want To Ever Read It. Coroner's reports pull no punches.hugs to you.

[Steve Asche]

I thought it was just me. It just waits. It's been 4 months. I know.

[Jennifer]

Some days, not many, I wake up and I'm suddenly able to do something I've been avoiding. Sometimes it's dealing with real stuff (his clothes, music, etc.). Sometimes it's doing his chores, which often go undone because I'm so pissed off that he's not here to do them (filling the pepper mill, changing the air conditioning filters).

Those days don't seem to be coming more frequently. So I just do what I can do while I have the energy, and let everything else wait until the next time.

Peace,Jennifer

[Meg E]

Just wanted to you know I'm still here.

If you ever want to go out and have a drink or whatever, give me a call.

Meg

[Zakary]

It took my mom three years to pack up my father's clothes. There is no right or wrong. I think it helped her just to have them there.

Love to you.

[Al_Pal]

So many good comments already. I think it is probably good to have these tangible reminders of his life, of your life together.

*HUGS*