The Twilight Zone

The past two days have had surreal moments. Actually, all of my days have them. Sometimes I take them in stride. In the early days they overwhelmed me in sheer volume and awesomeness.

I get emails from people in foreign countries telling me how my story has touched their lives. I hear from widows who are reaching out to make the connection with another young widow, strangers who have the worst possible thing in common, but a tie that makes us sisters in a club we cannot quit. I get phone calls from former coworkers of Bob’s wanting to reach out to our family and offer help. Neighbors and friends still come around to check in on us, make us meals, mow our lawn, entertain the kids. We have a village that wraps around the world.

Yesterday, though, the people who touched my life didn’t know me, didn't know my story--they worked for AT&T, in a call center, and they helped me disconnect my husband’s cell phone. It was one of the final to dos I had on my list. For some reason, I thought I was ready to do it yesterday. I hadn’t cried in so many days. Until I made that call. “I am so sorry for your loss,” she said. My voice cracked a little as I said, “Thank you.” By the time I’d been transferred to the customer relations agent, I was crying. Not sobbing. Not yet.

“Wow, your husband was young. He was younger than me.”

“Yes, he was young. He had cancer.”

“I am so sorry.”

After the call, I curled up on my bed and sobbed. Over a phone. But not over a phone. Over all the text messages we exchanged. Over all the calls we shared. And all the ETA? texts I’ll never need to send. Over all the times we won’t talk again. Over the finality of it all.

Comments

[Miss Grace]

I cry for you. I cry for Bob. I keep you both in my thoughts.

[LaDawn]

Love you so much, girlfriend.

[VDog]

((((HUGS))))

I'm so glad you have support from your village, even though I know your Bob would be better.

XOXO

[twitter.com/vmarinelli]

Well, hello sudden fit of bawling. (And don't you dare apologize. You wouldn't, would you? Because I'd have to smack you. And then I'D have to apologize, and it would all get so fucking tedious. Anyway, it was overdue.)

In any case, it - bawling - is good for the soul. Like a roto-rooter for your grief. Feel it, get it out, don't let it linger in the margins, oppressively suppressed.

Your happiness requires it, and you, my dear, quite thoroughly deserve happiness.

[Gatsbylives]

Leah -- sending you big love. Thanks for always being so honest. xoxoxo

[Gina]

I remember that day vividly. I didn't cry over shutting off the phone, but something that still bothers me almost every day is that his phone disappeared. I'm certain it was in his pocket, but somewhere in the ambulance, ER, or air-evac it disappeared (I'm certain no one at our local ER would lift it--they all knew him). I want to find that phone so badly, I've torn our house apart.....not because it was expensive, but because it was *his*.

I still haven't cancelled his health insurance or changed names on many other bills....it's hard to say those words when they ask why. I keep putting it off.

(((hugs)))this club sucks.

[califmom]

I haz an amazin' village.

[califmom]

It's a shitty club. We should get better t-shirts.

[marleymeowmeow@gmail.com]

You're the best thing ever and I adore you.

((((((LOVE)))))))

[Cathe]

Those things that connect us almost have a life of their own. The finality of it can really hurt. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your kids.

[kate lanto]

ah shit now you went and threw me into a fit aof teh bawling. i love you leah. i. love. you. the impact you and bob and your amazing children and pets have had on me makes me feel lucky every single day. big kisses. let's get that hot tub goin.

[Tina Cruz]

Cry. He is worth it. Cry hard. Then get up, dry your tears, rock that fucking hat and live.

I am sorry for all the text messages you won't exchange anymore. I think that makes me the saddest, too.

It is final. and fucked.

But your village loves you, and he makes sure you are ok, too.

<3 T.

[Amanda]

...and what a shit of a club we are in eh?

Oh honey - you have so much strength. These little jobs are taking me ages to do and every one is so hard.

I was OK-ish for the first month (in comparrison) ... and then the numbness started to wear off and I've not been able to stop myself from sobbing a few times now. I dread it happening while I'm teaching a class, but thankfully, the kids usually distract me too well.

I've had a Really Bad Week this week, but like you, the load is lightened by the people who are caring and kind.Hugs.

[Penbleth]

All the little things that are so commonplace mean the world.

Love to you, always.

You are amazing.

Lynn

[yules]

you are an amzing woman.i cant imagine what it is to be in your shoes but i want you to know that in Boston,MA you have a person who reads your blog, admires you , prays for you and hopes to one day have the courage and strength you have.

Yules

[califmom]

Huge hugs back at you from across our many ponds. :)

[katydidsays]

Hugs. <3

[califmom]

thank you. :)

[Becky]

This made me cry. I can't even imagine and yet you say it all in such a way that conveys exactly what you're feeling. Many hugs and prayers to you.

[Tree]

Leah, I am so sad today. Is there any way to keep his voicemail message? I need to hear his voice still :(

[califmom]

I have a bunch of his messages recorded. 

[Steph]

I am so sorry for you. I just can't imagine what that would be like. My son's hockey coach died in a tractor accident this Fall and his wife tells me she did really well at first because she just had no choice and there were lots of phone calls and cards and things like that. She told me a few months ago the calls have mostly stopped and the cards have stopped and she longs for those days. It never occurred to me that people would stop wondering after her and reaching out to her. I make sure to make that phone call every two weeks. I hope someone makes those calls to you as well. ((((HUGS))))

[califmom]

Thank you. I have an incredible support system. Not a day goes by that somebody doesn't check in with me. Truly blessed. :)

[emlsmom]

An idea - you might be able to get transcripts of texts from his phone...Your entries move me, I can only imagine what you have been through, but I can tell that Bob is lifting you up, carrying you through.