Finding The Butterfly

I am the kind of person who is most comfortable when she’s cloaked with sentimental objects. My house is filled with things that belonged to my ancestors, and I use these things every day because they give me comfort and a connection to my past. They give me strength.

The reason I wore a bright turquoise blouse the day of my husband’s funeral was so that I could wear a necklace my husband had given me for Christmas. It is a Superhero necklace made of bright glass beads. I wore it a lot when Bob was going through chemo. It made me feel strong. I knew I would need strength to get through that day.

On my wrist I wore a bracelet that I’d also worn to many of Bob’s chemo appointments and all of his hospital stays. When I’d sleep next to his hospital bed or sit next to his chemo chair, I’d fidget with that bracelet. It has a bead on it that says “HOPE.” My friend, Janell, gave it to me. It didn’t feel right to suddenly give up hope. Bob wouldn’t want me to stop hoping. I knew my children would be sitting with me at the funeral and they like to fidget with the beads sometimes, too. And so I wore the bracelet.

I’ve already explained the hat, but I also carried a vintage handbag. I have a collection of them I inherited from my two grandmothers. They make me feel connected to the strong women who came before me. My father’s mother was a young widow, too. Her children, my father and aunt, were just about the age of my kids when my grandmother lost her husband. I wonder if she wasn’t watching over me. I wonder if my other grandmother, the daughter of a mother whose husband left her to raise my grandmother on her own, was watching over me. It felt like they were. My matriarchs. With me.

As we got ready to leave, I was frantically trying to decide what to put into my purse. What would I need? I grabbed my lip gloss, some gum, my glasses, the typed copy of the eulogy, and my wallet. Then, I asked my friends if they thought I’d really need my wallet. “No,” was the resounding response. So, I pulled my wallet back out of the small purse. As I did, I noticed a brilliant orange monarch butterfly sticking out from the edge of my wallet.

I turned to Janell, showed her the butterfly, pressed flat and whole and asked her if she knew what the significance of a butterfly might be. I had no idea. She had no idea. We had to get going. The butterfly dropped to the floor as I tucked the wallet back into my other purse. We gathered the kids into the van with the rest of our group and left for the church.

to be continued…

Comments

[Al_Pal]

Beautiful. I totally believe that butterflies, and birds, can be sent as signs from our loved ones in the Great Beyond.xoxo

[@kristeneileen]

curiosity piqued, for sure. Sending the love, the strength, and all the other good stuff we share when one of us needs it. xxoo to you & the littles.

[Heather]

A struggle to emerge from the cocoon...as a butterfly. Your postings always make me cry, and think. I love you, sister.

[TSM 30somethingandcrazy]

In my crazy world? It means Bob was saying "Hey! I'm good and totally reborn and stuff, mmkay? So you get ON wit yo bad self and let's DO this thing!"

Yanno, because I knew Bob so well. But I think he would totally say that.

Transformation? Transformers? The first one because the second once sucked eggs. Or so I'm told. I just think that's flippin cool you found that. And incredibly meaningful!

[Amanda]

I wore a sparkly butterfly-emblazoned blouse to my husband's funeral.Buttlerflies = "hope for a new life" in my head, so I think it's beautiful that you found it on such a sad day.

[Tom Mazur]

I wrote this little ditty in the 70's...I never thought anything about it until I saw that a friend of mine made mini poster of it and hung it above his bed.

"I wake up early in the morningand then I go to bed at nightand then I get up again



the butterfly restssoon it will be difficultto perceive motion..."



I think I still don't understand what I was grasping at. Possibly, the thin line between waking, dreaming & death.

[Debra]

Did you know butterflies while in the chrysalis stage become complete mush? There is no recognizable creature between the caterpillar and the butterfly. I think we mush inch along as caterpillars, and as shamans in all cultures, we must be crushed to emerge as beautiful beings with wings of wisdom. They also symbolize the brevity and fragility of of life's beauty. Can't wait to hear your continued thoughts.Debra

[Melaneedark@gmail.com]

Right after my friend's mother passed, she started to see this beautiful yellow butterfly flying around in her yards, both front and back. I see it all of the time too and of course, based on the lifespan of a butterfly, it can't be the same one...but there's always just one. A beautiful, yellow monarch just like the one in your photo. Whenever we're sitting on her front porch together and we see it she just smiles and says, "Hi Mom."

xoxo ~ Mel

[Nancy Nelson]

A beautiful and bright butterfly....The ending of one phase of life and the begining of another. Your HOPE didn't die with Bob, it is there to keep you moving forward. Wear and use the things in your life that give you comfort. We each grieve in our own way and that way does not have to conform to anyone elses "set in stone" opinions on how you should grieve. When my grandmother died no one in the family wore black. She always liked bright colors. Move forward at your own pace and know that you are loved and your support system will still be here.

[Catootes]

The night my mother died and we left the hospital to go back home, the tree near our car was loaded with birds singing. It was 2:00 am.

There is always hope. Even amid the grief.

Thinking of you.

[Sarahndipitea]

After my Grams passed, I saw yellow butterflies everywhere. I still believe that she is talking to me when I see one. <3

[schmutzie]

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday -http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/5/7/five-star-fridays-edition-102.html

[Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]]

You will find your sign.

Much love to you.

[A Vapid Blonde]

Butterflies=New beginings, change. A birth, hybernation and then re-birth.

From what I am priviledge to here...you are an amazing woman. My deepest thoughts of love and healing are with you.

[Tina Cruz]

Oh I know what's coming! Can't wait to see how you write it.

much love.

YOU? are MY power animal.

T.

[Trisha Cornelius]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss...I can only imagine your pain.

I know today must be tough for you (as is everyday at the moment) and I just wanted to wish you strength.

With love and hopeTrisha

[Trisha Cornelius]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss...I can't even begin to imagine your pain right now.

I thought of you today and I just wanted to wish you strength. I know today must be tough (just like everyday at the moment I suppose).

LoveTrisha

[Cheryl Richmond]

And I'm crying again... this was beautiful. I can't wait to hear the rest. And thanks for sharing WHY you wore what you wore, though honestly Leah, I think you were fucking fabulous and amazing even w/o the explanation. XOXO's