When I Need Him Most

There was a night in the hospital a couple weeks or so before Bob died when we were talking, I was crying, he was rubbing my hair, holding me, and asking me what I was afraid of most.

I said I was afraid of being alone after he was gone.

He said, “You won’t be alone. My family will always be there for you.”

“I know,” I said. “But, that’s not what I mean. For twenty-one years it’s always been you and me. And now, it’s just going to be me, and I’m scared.”

And that’s when he made me the promise I spoke about in my eulogy. He promised that he would watch over me. And he promised that I would be strong enough.

So, when you see me holding my head high, able to function in the world, it’s not through my own strength. It is because my husband is my angel and he’s making sure I’m okay – no matter what the world throws my way. It is because that was his wish for me and for our children – that we hold our heads high and continue to live as a way of honoring him and his memory – that we not die with him.

It’s been a rough couple of days, and I’m sure there will be many more rocky days in the future, but I know I’ll make it through them because I have the strength and love of a man who watches over me, friends and family who love me, and children who are wired to go on living and celebrating life.

And if it all gets to be too much, I may have to bust out that black hat. Fuck the naysayers.

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Comments

[smuttysteff]

That's okay, you're allowed to have vicarious strength. It's what gets us through these times. Being lifted by the wind, by memories, by friends, by the spirits of those we can't bear to be without.

If we had to do it on our own strength, I think none of us would make it out.

Keep doin' whatcha gotta do. We get it.

You're awesome. You can do this. Bob will help.

[cancerninja]

And this is why I had to blog that wonderful picture of you in that hat.

Bob would be so proud of you.

You are honoring him by doing your best to thrive against all of the shit trying to pull you down. You are honoring him with that hat. You are honoring him with your never-ending love and wit and sass.

You know all of this, I'm just reminding you, because sometimes we all need affirmation.

So hold your head high. Watch your children blossom into wonderful human beings. Wear bright colors and bold accessories. Laugh.

He is with you and he would want nothing more than to see you smiling.

[Al_Pal]

*sniff* He is with you and he would want nothing more than to see you smiling.So true. Hoping to help you laugh sometime soon, sister...*HUGS*

[Amanda]

.... The day he died, I asked my G to let me know he was with me in spirit and got my answer the next day in a most unusual way. I've no doubt that my G is with me & my kids and no doubt that you Bob is with you.

[Kate / @fancychickens]

This really sucks, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with losing someone so special. I'm amazed by your strength and inspired by the love you and your husband shared and by the promise he made you.

Words are clearly inadequate here, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you can feel how much love there is for you, both from him and the people surrounding you.

[Jenni/mom2nji]

You are in my constant thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine the strength needed to get through these days, so glad Bob is helping you.

[Janet Isserlis]

what everyone's said

i weep for and with you. i know your strength, Bob's and your kids' will help you move one foot in front of the other. when you think you can't, when you don't want to, but you know you will.

if only it was as easy to help you shoulder that burden as it is to send food money. but we try.all my love

[Velma]

I really have no words for how deeply this all sucks. Just know that so many of us are out there, thinking of you and yours.

[pgoodness]

His strength will get you through the rough days and his love through all of them, good and bad. Knowing he is watching over you and walking with you should definitely help (although I know you'd trade it all to have him back). And yes, the hat, absolutely. Fuck the naysayers - you do what's right for you and your kids.

[dawn]

omg I adore you. and Bob. Really I do.

[Jessica]

You are amazing.

[Suebob]

right foot, left foot, right foot, left footlaughter. tears. smiling, sobbing.darkness, hope, lostness, foundness.slowly, too fast, circling back, moving forward.

Big hugs.

[Divacowgirl]

It sounds trite but it really is one day at a time. I really thought, at times, that losing my mom would kill me. I think you're right and healthy to acknowledge what you're feeling and act out in ways such as breaking out the black hat. There are people that won't understand, they'll distance themselves, but those are people that, later, you'll find out you didn't really need them anyway. I am sending you big hugs and lots of prayers for strength. Because hell woman you've got a ton of grace!!!

[angelynn]

Stay strong. The jackasses spewing all the hatred don't have a leg to stand on. If that's their way of grieving I feel bad for them. There's no excuse for such childish behavior. Ever. Especially now. I'm glad you have Bob's strength. It shines through. Love to you. xo

[the checkout girl]

Oh, sister, what kind of people would be unhappy that you are holding your head high to honor the memory of the love of your life? Bitter, small people with misplaced feelings.

That's a handsome pic of Bob. Hot AND a good promise keeper. What a guy.

[Lisa]

I just found your blog today. I'm a puddle of tears. I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. Bob sounds like he was a wonderful man.

[Debby Pucci]

He will be at your side forever. I am so sorry he can't be next to you in person. ((HUGS))

[feefifoto]

Found you through The Blogess. Your strength and the strength of your love are humbling.

[~Tree]

Leah- I WATCHED YOU with my own eyes, taking care of my baby brother. I watched in my own pain, as you cared for him. I often left your home or the hospital in tears at the thought of what it must be like for you to have to watch him die right before your eyes 24/7. it was so hard for me just during the hours of the day I was there. NO ONE knows the agony of this dedication, but you, Janell, and Telshe, you 3 angels. The 24/7 watchers and listeners. You were there when he couldn't sleep, you were there watching over him when he did sleep, to make sure he was still breathing. I SAW YOU AND THE OTHER 2 ANGELS and I witnessed and shared in the pain of having to watch cancer steal away my baby brother, your husband, my niece and nephews' father, my kids uncle, my parents baby boy. It hurts as much now as it did then. Please know how much I love you for all you did for him. Please know how proud of you he is and was. Please remember HIS WORDS, not wanting you to leave his side while he was in the hospital and how you honored all of the wishes he requested- Things no one can ever take from you. I KNOW THIS- I WAS THERE. <3 I love you now and always. ~Tree

[Cathe]

It is a testament to your love for Bob that you DO hold your head up and you DO make it through each day. It also speaks of your love for your children. They need you to be strong, but not untouched by their dad's death. When you need to, put on the black hat. Whatever gives you the strength to do all you must.

[Superjules]

He is with you.

We are with you, too.

<3

[iamchanelle]

you look hott in that hat. and you are one freaking incredible, strong beautiful angel yourself.

also?

i love you.

the end.

[Tina Cruz]

I think about you all day long. Does that make me a creeper? I think just someone who cares, yeah?

He is watching over you.

Sending much love from the House of Mouse. or vicinity.

<3 T.