The Business Of Dying

Image by califmom via Flickr

We planned ahead. Thank God.

When our children were born, we had our trust done, bought life insurance, wrote advanced directives with our wishes should we be unable to make decisions in our final hours.

As the surviving spouse, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that we did all of that in our twenties.

And it still sucks.

The cost of running my husband’s obituaries was equivalent to what we spent on my wedding ring. And we skipped the San Francisco Chronicle. They charge $95/line per day. Lesson learned: Don’t die in San Francisco if you can’t afford it.

Then there’s medical insurance. We had that through my husband’s employer. Bob died on the 18th. I signed for a certified letter, my first written communication of condolence from his employer (a post-it note stuck to the forms we’ll need to fill out to continue our medical coverage via COBRA) yesterday afternoon. I haven’t called yet to find out how much that will cost. I knew it was coming. I thought I’d get a card with some flowers on the front first, but I understand. There are time constraints to these things.

Really, these are just the tip of the iceberg of paperwork and cruel slaps I’ll face in the coming weeks and months. How can I face them and not end up in a heap on the floor every time? Because I have all of you supporting me.

The words you send me hold me up. I cannot begin to express how much your comments here and sent privately have meant to me and my family. You remind me of the beauty in the world, the love my husband shared, and the laughter.

No matter how many awkward moments I have ahead, how many times I crumple to the floor of the shower in tears (crying in the shower has to be the most cathartic thing on Earth), I know I will have friends and family who will pick me back up, and a husband who is watching over me. I carry on.

Comments

[lanned]

I just found you and I hurt for you so bad. I know this doesn't count for much but someone in Indiana is thinking about you and your children and praying for you...whatever you believe I will send my prayers that way...

[Redneck Mommy]

I don't know if you recognize this, but your strength is amazing and leaves me in awe.

[Therealcherilyn]

you are amazing. stay strong.

you are loved.

~cherilyn

[iamchanelle]

you are my hero and i love you.

one step at a time, every step forward.

xo

[Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me]

We buried my Aunt today...business indeed! I had no idea you had to pay so much for an obit, that's robbery. No matter how much paperwork you have in order, your emotions need to flow...the shower is the best place to let it all out (and not scare anyone.) Still sending you hugs and prayers.

[Donna]

I'm so sorry. It sucks. I lost my husband seven months ago and I can tell you that it does get better! Sending prayers and well wishes for you and your children. *hugs*

[Lisa @letstalkbabies]

I can't even begin to imagine how much this all sucks. You are in my thoughts.

[Leah]

love.

[Meghan Harvey]

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

[Rilliebear]

Though it does not compare...I've been on the planning end of the business of dying for my brother in 1997 when my sister in law could not do what you are doing now.

I know that the moments we feel the weakest, and feel we can't go on, but do...are the moments we ARE the strongest.

Being a smart person and knowing logically that crying is good, and letting it out and relying on the emotional support of those around you in those hardest moments, when your the least logical emotionally, is what makes you strong.

You are strong, I see it in you.

It sucks that you have to at all, but I know you are, and can, and will continue to put one foot in front of the other and find a way to carry on, and LIVE for Bob.

Blessings to you and the children.

Ril

[Swirl Girl]

I don't know how I'd do it. Certainly with much less grace and dignity than you. {hugs from a stranger}

[Sunny]

I have taken many showers in a day. It is my place of therapy. My heart hurts for you. Your strength amazes me. I know you don't feel strong but you are. HUGS!

[Jenni/mom2nji]

When my father's fiance died after her marrow transplant went horribly wrong, he was faced with a financial and emotional disaster. She had made no arrangements. Thank God she was a sheriff deputy and they helped a lot, but the cost was/is still staggering. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[Janet Isserlis]

with you, Leah. holding you in my heart every day.

[Lex (@laprimera)]

You can do this, Leah. Sending you much love and strength.

[Emily Elling - designHer Momma]

cancer sucks, sucks, super sucks. I know it all too well unfortunately. praying for you tonight. I really am. xoxox

[megan]

Holding you close in prayer

[Beth]

Don't think much of his company. A post-it note? That's real class, there.

You're right. He's keeping an eye on things and he'll help you through the hard spots.

Thinking of you.

[ZenMonkey]

Much love mixed with admiration of your strength.

[Tina Cruz]

Love you and will see you this weekend.

You know that viking pic we took at last year's Blogher? You ARE her. Fierce, strong and capable.

Keep on keeping on.

[dawn]

Supa Fresh probably already passed on this assvice - but get a friend who has no problem impersonating you on the phone - have that friend take care of some this shit that will just break your heart again and again as far as the business side of phone calls go.

Also - grab hold of your ass - COBRA will try to charge it off you (It'll run at least a grand for the three of you.)

[tawnya]

I find you amazing. You are eloquent at a time I can't imagine breathing past. And your love story spans the ages.

Hugs and strength and thinking of you...

[TheGirlWho]

I think you are just fantastic. Don't know you, only read you for about a week now and I already love you and your fella. Thinking about you.

[Nancy]

Unbelievable. Just found you last week, but have been thinking of you every day. {huge hugs}for you and your family from MD

[Jen]

I just started reading your blog and I follow you on twitter. I think about you and your family everyday. I can't tell you I know how you feel or what you are going thru but I can tell you your strength, courage and honesty has really touched me. Thank you for sharing your journey.