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Twenty-One Years Coming To An End

April 8, 1989. I had just returned to campus in Chico from spring break in Ensenada, Mexico.

Tan, rested, ready to party, my roommate and I headed out for a night on the town.

Bob and I met that night. Fell in love that night. Haven't been apart since that night.

After college, we got married. We had two beautiful children. We bought a house. We took vacations.

We lived.

We loved.

And now, I have to figure out how to do this without him --without the other part of me.

Without my We.

As I lie on this godforsaken chofa bed in a hospital room Bob won't get to leave, I can imagine millions of scenarios, but none of them are my life without my husband. None are my children without their father.

And this precarious position between keeping him comfortable and having him coherent is a level of hell Dante neglected to mention.

I used to worry about children not coming with instruction manuals. Now, I wish there was one for life and death.

Reader Comments (223)

Oh, my heart.

I love you so much. Wishing you all the strength in the universe. We're all here to help, however we can.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaDawn
We love you.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJason - GorillaSushi
Love you.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLindstifa
all my love to you, your kids and bob
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternick-burwell
You are wrapped in the love of your internet magical unicorns. I wish we had more magic. xo
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterblondediva11
Damn it.

Sending my love.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSuebob
I am so, so sorry to read this. My love to your family.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStimey
We adore you and wish you all the very best. It's not enough, but it's something.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPlaid_lemur
We are surrounding you with love, Leah.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen
I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now. Thank you for sharing so much with us. I hope that our love in some ways helps you through this.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCoverTheEarth
I love you.I am here for you and I love you very much.

March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarley
More than anything I want you to know I understand. And I hate it. But mostly, I love you. And am here. We all are. So many thoughts and prayers. For whatever they are worth. I love you lady.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterruth akers
I am holding you and your family in my heart and my thoughts and prayers.

You are amazing.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAriel
What a price we pay for love.Wishing you and your family strength and understanding.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterClint
All of my love. Anything else I can do, I am here.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLeah
Praying for you in this difficult time.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLinmarie
I was so hoping that things were going to go the other way. I'm so very sorry.You're in my thoughts. I just wish there was more I could do.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRose
It's not fair, but you know that. Love to you and your family. You're in my thoughts.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMama Bub
I'm so sorry. You guys are in my thoughts.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZoeyjane
I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlli

I'm so very, very sorry.

We are crying here at Casadecruz. For all of you.

I cannot even begin to pretend to understand. But I think you know I am here for you. For you all.

March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTina Cruz
Thoughts of love for you from the San Francisco...
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMonkeytonenews
I sit here a weeping mess. Not knowing how to console you in this hellish hour. Feeling lame for being so emotional about your loss. I love you bunches and behind the shit, fuck, damn, vagina, and penis that make up me, I have a heart for all things cancer stricken having had it hit so close to home for us just this past year.

Anything, even a good penis joke, I'm your gal.

Side note: I do not have a vagina AND a penis. I just say those words out loud. Lots. In front of children even. Especially my own.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJess
I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you. To make it hurt less or be less scary.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry.

Keeping you all close in my heart tonight. Wish there was more.
March 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Burton

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