Handy Skills To Have When Your Husband Gets Cancer

Pharmacist

I've long fancied myself an amateur pharmacist. Back in the early 90s, I even bought myself a copy of the PDR at the DeAnza flea market. I always want to know why something is prescribed, how it interacts with other medications, the best way to take the medication, side effects, ways to minimize side effects...all that stuff. Who knew how handy that little hobby would become?

Now I use two iPhone apps to manage Bob's chemotherapy and medications. One is called Epocrates. It was recommended to me by a pharmacist/friend. The other is called iChemo Diary. Epocrates is much like a PDR. I can use it to look up medications Bob is prescribed/administered. It allows us to ask informed questions from our medical professionals and more than once we have been complimented on being well-educated about his treatment. As one doctor said, Bob is the one person who will always be present when a medication is administered. It's key he know what he is being given and why. The diary application allows me to keep a record of the medications and chemo drugs Bob is given along with his symptoms each day. A record of this information can then be emailed if needed.

If you don't have an iPhone, get a notebook, write this stuff down. Ask questions. Ask to talk to the pharmacists, even in the hospital. I did. You can. You have hired these professionals to work for you. They are typically quite good at what they do and happy to answer your questions.

Nurse

Dressing changes, injections, flushing IVs -- these will become
second nature to you. You'll be afraid. Trial by fire works best. You do
it because you have to. That's a pretty compelling reason to get shit
done.

Master Delegator (As opposed to a master-baiter...fish on your own time)

You may suck at the daily household chores, but you can delegate like a mofo. Do it. I do. It keeps us sane. Well, as close to sane as we get these days. Our laundry is done. Our house is clean. Our fridge is full. Our kids are cared for.

These are things you can do for yourself, but they are also things that other people can do for you and often want to do for you. My laundry doesn't need me to do it. It's just as clean if someone else washes it. My kids are much happier playing with their cousins or hanging out at their grandparents' house. They have enough unfun stuff going on in their lives right now. Wherever they want to be that gives them joy, that's where they will be. Flexibility is the name of the game.

Researcher

Everybody who knows me knows I love doing research. This helps us show up to appointments informed, ask relevant questions, and explore options for Bob we might not otherwise know about. If you aren't comfortable doing research online, ask around. Somebody you know will help you. Librarians love doing research. Most of us geeky internet people love it, too.

Therapist and Professional Grown Up (Or at least have the costume so you can fake it til you make it)

You'll need to seek professional help, but you'll also need to provide it at times. Your husband may need your amateur armchair psychology skills, but what I'm talking about here is the kids. Supporting my spouse hasn't thrown me for the kinds of loops that supporting my kids has. My kids can drop me to the floor.

Your kids will need your help in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, without warning, and in the oddest manifestations. You need to be ready. You might think your teen just has his head up his ass, but in fact, he's stressed about the fact that his father is at death's door and he doesn't have the words to express it. You have to be ready to set your own grief aside, set your own exhaustion on the back burner, and take one for the team. In our case, this is made more intriguing my our son's special needs (Asperger's and Tourette's Syndromes).

When your tween needs to hug you for the hundredth time, needs another horseback riding lesson and you don't know where the money is going to come from (but you know it is her one sanctuary), you will find a way to provide because she is a child and you are an adult and that is your role in this deal. You are the grown up. She is the child.

You do it because you love them more than you love yourself. When our children look back on this time in their lives, the one thing we want them to remember, above all else, is that they were surrounded by love and laughter.

Comments

[blondediva11]

I did the research thing when my mom had breast cancer, and had her oncologist impressed with my seemingly intelligent questions. Knowing things give us a tiny bit of control over an otherwise chaotic time. I am constantly amazed by your strength and smarts and compassion and endurance and positivity and humour and , well, everything. Anyone would be so privileged to have you on their side in a battle. I am glad you are getting support from family and friends. It really takes an army to fight this bastard. Continued love and only virtual support from me. xo

[califmom]

Thank you. It's easy to look strong online -- you can't see me crying in the shower. ;)

[@kristeneileen]

That last bit about what you want your kids to remember? As your friends, we want that for YOU, too. You are surrounded out here by love and laughter and we are never going to let you walk this road alone. I know you're going to remember lots of the other less pleasant things, and no one can blame you, but I hope you can feel - and someday remember - the love, too.

<3, @kristeneileen

[Jeff]

Over the years I have had many people ask if was a cardiologist, to which I have always replied "Of course" as well as an armchair Pharmacist! Then I will confess to those who are semi-intelligent that I am just informed and aware of what is going on with "me"We may not see you crying in the shower but take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in doing it. Face to face we can see the tears but nobody can differentiate from water in the shower, I know it oh so well. You two are great parents going through hell and we will follow and sometimes lead when you need us to. Been there and will go back, Gladly. FUCK CANCER!

[Teresa Boze]

Wow.. well, you certainly brought it all rushing back. And what I don't understand from ground zero four years ago April to this moment is why there is not a manual. Really. There are manuals for flying Boeings and manuals for national disasters. Cancer is far more common and everybody goes through the same steps, the same decision points, with modification and variation that can be footnoted.

Reading your and others blogs proves it can be done in a very human terms. It would be a weighty tome, true, but it should be sitting in the waiting room of every oncologist's office.

[Jaycosnett]

Beautiful post, but now I'm crying at work! (In addition to the shower, when I get one, that is!) #fuckcancer

My wife was always the professional medical manager for our family, and she performed that role for herself as well. She was also the ultimate home-front multi-tasker; laundry, dishes, boo-boos, homework and the latest on half a dozen cancer email lists, all attended to in the time it took me to walk in the door and sit down. And that's even after cancer began to slow her down.

Now, I'm the only grown up, and my domestic multi-tasking sucks. I do have help and support, but you're so right--I need to ask for more.

But you're also right, the most important thing is for the kids to know they are loved and to know that we are there for them and all of us for each other as we get though this.

Hugs

[Cary]

Bob is so lucky to have you. So, so lucky.

[Achampag]

a man at a health food store told me about this site when i was having a good scare. all the info is free. i apologize in case you've already heard of this or are not interested. but it looks like some good info...

http://www.cancertutor(dot)com/AltTreatments/Alt_Diet(dot)html

good luck to your family...i hope for you...i am blown away at your strength and appreciative of such well written blogs

[Kathleen]

You're amazing, Leah. Know that we're all there in the shower with you.

(nice ass)

[Nancy]

Brilliant advice. I'm going to have to check out that iPhone app. It may help me keep track of my dad's meds. I wish I was there to help with laundry. I'd even iron. I HATE IRONING, but I'd love to do it for you.

Hugs.

[califmom]

I thought I saw you back there. 

[kboogie01]

Awesome! I am going to see if I can download this app on my Ipod Touch.....

[Tina Cruz]

As goes the general, so goes the f'in war. You will win. You have to.

Sally forth!

[Al_Pal]

Meep. This reminds me of my "FiL" and his partner--she has MS, so he 'has' MS, too. He has become quite the nurse, learning to care for her.

Huge *HUGS* to you. & praises be for all that shower water! ;p

[Trey]

My wife and I were involved in a serious roll-over accident and I was in this role heavily for over a year, and still do things like this daily. It's amazing what you are suddenly able to do in situations like this, you're right, it will run you through a wringer. We were fortunate to not have kids at the time, so at least that burden wasn't there. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers and hope for the best outcomes.