Functioning Is Such A Strong Word

I string words into sentences. I make conversation with my family for brief periods throughout the day, but my mind is barely present. I wonder if they know. Do I look as vacant-eyed as I feel?

Can they see the elephant of worry standing on my chest?

I shower some days, get dressed, accompany Bob to daily appointments, driving when he isn’t strong enough to drive himself. This simple process drains all of my energy, yet I’m not the one who’s sick.

I rub his muscles when they get sore, sit next to him on the bed, change the sterile dressing on his central venous catheter in his chest, and track his appointments on a master calendar. 

I often forget to bring in the mail, rarely open it, and depend on family to do the laundry, cook and clean.

I know that there are things I may regret in the future and things I will not. If I could glue myself to my husband right now, I wouldn't regret it for a moment. I would, however, regret gluing myself to the dishwasher. If we have to buy paper plates and plastic utensils and turn our underwear inside out, we'll make do.

I lie awake at night like a mother of a newborn, listening to her child’s breaths in the bassinet alongside her bed, unable to sleep.

I am counting the days.

I count the days I have left that I will be able to lie next to him before he is in the hospital.

I count the days before I won’t be allowed to kiss him.

I count the days before I will have to wear a mask and gown to be in the same room with him.

I count the days before I hope all of these things will be possible, because if they don’t become a reality, I will be counting different days. 

Related articles by Zemanta

• Surprise For Bob (califmom.com)

Comments

[sweatpantsmom]

Thinking of you Leah, and wishing I could give you a big hug. I'm hoping and praying that all things are possible.

[erinmargrethe@gmail.com]

I have no words. Just much love to you and yours.

[Justine Kilkerr]

Love. Strength. Love.

[califmom]

Thank you. Me too.

[califmom]

Really wish I could run away to Hawaii with you. :)

[califmom]

I like that sandwich.

[Janet Isesrlis]

and all of that. love, strength. arms around you all in support.

[Casey Scalzi]

Screw the laundry and dishes.Fuck Cancer!!!!!!

[Erika]

I have been following your story for some time now and my heart just breaks for you. I can't even imagine. I am saying a prayer for your family as I type this and I hope that you are brought some peace. Can I say Fuck Cancer in the same breath as a prayer? I think so!

[Meg E]

Paper plates sounds perfect. Can I do the Costco run?

[Jeff]

With both of you in Spirit! Sending all my good JuJu!as Willie Nelson sang, both of you "are always on my mind"ps just think of the mask and gown as condoms!!

[califmom]

That would be a blessing. Truly. 

[califmom]

Body condoms. Love it!

[Spot]

Here's to fingers crossed that you get to do all those things.

♥Spot

[badkitty_]

Hugs and much love to you, dear.

I am thinking of you and Bob.

Sending healing energy!

[Al_Pal]

Reading this made my heart hurt.thinking of you guys so very often.*insert heart symbol here*

*positive vibes*<3

[Al_Pal]

Okay, your blog won't accept anything resembling complex html. Heh.So many *hearts* coming atcha, with healing energies for y'all.xoxo

[VAMPJAZ]

Fuk Cancer darling. I send you good thoughts.

*redirect from Undomestic Diva*