I Can't Pray

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Since Hubs got diagnosed with cancer, I have been unable to do the thing you might think would be the most comforting, the thing others all over the world are doing on his behalf, the thing he is doing for himself--pray.

I cannot.

I also cannot explain why.

I try.

I can't.

I try again.

I can't.

I try a different way, a different time, a different prayer, but I cannot pray.

It doesn't even feel like a crisis on faith.

I do not talk about my faith often. It is a personal faith, one absent of religion, but it is strong, it is deep, and it has been mine my whole life. Prayer has never eluded me. I have prayed for everything from a date to prom to cures for dying friends.

This is new.

It is foreign. Just like this whole experience is foreign.

What it feels like is a phone with no dial tone. I pick up to make the call, and there's no dial tone. So, I try again the next day, and still no dial tone. I keep picking up to make the call, and there is still no fucking dial tone.

Thankfully, it appears as if the rest of you who are praying are actually getting a dial tone. Keep making the calls.

Comments

[Cathy]

You've got lots of people praying for you and your hubby. I will continue to make numerous calls a day for him, and for you.

[califmom]

Thanks, lady. Keep us on speed dial.

[The Cotton Wife]

Hey...I just found you over at TheBloggess. My dad was just diagnosed with Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer and will going through Round 3 at the end of the month.

So... that makes us like - what? - new BFF's or something??

I'll be keeping up with y'all.

[GeekMommy]

There is an irony in that I could never pray until after my daughter was born... and yet, I pray for you and your family all the time now.

I could never get that dialtone until after I was granted my own miracle... and then, every day for years all I prayed were thanks. Thank you for every day I had with my wonderful husband and child that I shouldn't have had.

Now, I find that my prayers get that 'dial tone' whenever I am saying my thanks - or when I am praying for others, wishing them the same.

I wish so much more of the same for you, it's easy to pray for that.

My love goes to you all.

[Ellen Kimball]

Hello. I came over here from Karen's Verbatim blog.

I just wanted you to know that I will light a candle of hope for your husband at the Unitarian/Universalist fellowship that I attend. We are not a church (no minister) and are lay-led (congregants run the services). We call the candle-lighting segments "Joys and Concerns".

My husband lost his first wife to stomach cancer. That was in October 1971. She was 34 years old. I have tried to fill that void for her three children, with mixed results.

Warm regards,

Ellen KimballPortland, OR

[T@SendChocolate]

My friend, now I am crying for you. But now I know how to pray for you. It's the best thing I can do. Crap, it seems to be the only thing I can do. But stand in for you, with Him... that I can do.

You'll feel it again, you will.

<3 T.

[califmom]

I know I will. It's weird. It's the first time in my life I've had to relysolely on the prayers of others. It's been an odd feeling to get used to,but I'm learning to let go and let others hold me up.

[califmom]

Sorry to have to meet under such circumstances, but welcome aboard. We gothrough Round 2 on Friday.