News In Small Doses And What Your Mother Meant About Wearing Clean Underwear

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There’s some line about God not giving you more than you can handle. Apparently, we’re not getting more information than we can handle. At least, not today, which is fine.

Let’s start with the shit news. Get it out there where we can smell it.

Dr. W and Bob talked briefly today. The cancer is back and widespread, which explains the rapid return of the symptoms. We meet with Dr. W on Wednesday to discuss the treatment details. For now, all we know is that chemo will be two days each time instead of one.

Tomorrow, Bob will need to do a MUGA scan to confirm his heart’s in good shape for chemo, which he would like to start on Thursday. Dr. W is on board with this request assuming the MUGA looks good, which he expects it will.

And, good news, Bob’s bone marrow is clear. No cancer there. Fuck yeah! We’ll take that one.

While Bob was gathering all this news from Dr. W, I was driving my numb butt/spasming back to the Spine Clinic to meet Spine Doc. I dressed in yoga pants thinking I’d be needing to show my range of movement to the doctor. Maybe do the splits. A pirouette.

Yeah, so when your mom tells you to wear clean underwear, she means granny panties. And here’s why:

I was led into the exam room by Nice Nurse. Nice Nurse took my history as I did Lamaze breathing because my fucking back fucking hurt. Nice Nurse said Spine Doc would want to do an exam so I’d need to disrobe from the waist down.

No problem. I’ll strip. Gown.

Nice Nurse kept talking. Nice nurse said I should leave my underwear on. The gown would open in the back.

HOLD UP.

BACK UP.

There are only two types of underwear worn with yoga pants:

1. None.


2. Thong.

Knowing I’d be going to the doctor, I’d opted for #2.

And, having seen the patients exiting Spine Doc’s office prior to me, most of them using canes, all of them a good 30-40 years my senior, I’m guessing my ass was, even at 40 years of age, one of the firmer asses he got to see today. And the only one in a thong.

Dignity. I left it there. Right where my naked ass cheeks stuck to the paper.

Fuuuuuck. And I still don’t know shit about what’s wrong with my back. But, Spine Doc is going to do another MRI, I’m going to see some more specialists to see if they can unravel the mystery from other angles (yeah, laugh), and see if I can’t find some suitable granny panties. Maybe something with a nice daisy print.

Now, time to hit iTunes for some downloads to entertain us during chemo. We’re gonna need some funny shit to get us through this round.

Comments

[Al_Pal]

Oh, hon. LOL at the underwear... I have a story for you on that one! :P

Gah on the zomg cancer, but holy yeah on the "not in the bone marrow" part!

[Jeff]

just be happy your ass can be covered with "the gown that closes in the back"Walking thru Stanford ICU with my double cheeked, split-freak flag in the open was too much for a few of the other patients. Next appt. take a deep breath, then leave "senora dignity" in the trunk.

Thinking of you both

Jeff

[califmom]

Can't wait to hear your underwear story!  

[califmom]

:-)



Love you, dude. You'd think I'd be all out of dignity after childbirth. Who knew I still had a shred left. Wave to it next time you drive past the East Bay. 

[sendchocolate]

Ok, when I said, "Put your big girl panties on and deal," I didn't know you would hear "stripper thong." But hey. Whatever works.

What kind of music does Bob like? Can I send chocolate? Can he eat it?

Crap. Your story was funny, though. Mostly cause it wasn't me.

[califmom]

He loves chocolate! Send it on up. 

[Karen]

Thong? You are so young and hot and cool. Really.

I winced at the "cancer is back and widespread" part but then was buoyed some by the "bone marrow is clear" part. Sending big strong hugs your way -- but not so hard that I hurt your back.

[Alisa]

It's good to know that he's got ass-kicking bone marrow. Let's see if we can get the rest of him on board with the kick-cancer's-ass program.

If I see any rockin' granny panties as I shop for Christmas, I'll be sure to let you know. :)

[Megan Hook]

I'm so bummed to hear the cancer is back... keep fighting, never stop fighting. I love your family's feisty attitude. xo

[Margie]

Leah, we can try to help get some funny shit for the IPOD. If it has video, we could start by posting that picture of Bob and Jeff from high school. That always gets people rolling at the parties.

I'm sort of shocked right now. We'll get the prayer group crankin' again. Love you both.

[Nancy]

Thanks for the sage advice. And I had been pondering trashing the granny panties for a sexier 2010. Maybe I'll stow a couple away.

Sorry to hear about Bob. Let me know when you two need a Vegas getaway. Mi casa es su casa.

[califmom]

Yeah, seems Bridget Jones was onto something. Who knew? Guess I'll keep a spare pair in my purse for emergencies.

[Al_Pal]

I think the chemo business post [next after this one] eats comments. I thought it was the interwebs, but then it happened again.

That would explain why there aren't ANY comments on it!(When I've noticed you can rake in a good 4-10 here, at least.) ;p

*gentle squishes*

[califmom]

Your comments are there. (Other comments, too.) Maybe it's an invisibility cloak. ;)