The Good News Is I Can Pray Again, The Bad News Is I Just Told God To Fuck Off

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I’ve been having a crisis of faith for quite some time. Most of you think it started when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. It was actually in the works a little earlier, when my friend died of cancer a few years before that. God and I were on rocky footing. Bob’s diagnosis was the straw that broke the telephone wire.

But, over the past week, as calls for prayer requests came from my husband as he prepared for his follow-up visit to the oncologist, I felt like myself picking up the God Phone. I placed my call. I felt like Someone was on the other end of the line.

When Anissa had her stroke. I prayed. And again, I felt like my prayers were going somewhere. I didn’t feel like I’ve felt these past months. I didn’t feel like the line was disconnected. So, I kept praying.

Then Wednesday came. My husband went in for his pre-appointment blood work. He’s been nervous about this appointment. He’s been having nightmares about his tumors coming back. So, he kept checking online for the results of his blood work. By the evening, all the results were posted.

Everything looked great. Except for two very important numbers. The two numbers that would indicate a return of his cancer were up—his LDH and his sed rate. One of them, his LDH, was way up. Up higher than it had ever been. We hoped the lab had made an error.

Then he went to see Dr. W. Then he called me, waking me from a dream where I’d dreamt that the lab made an error. Instead of my happy dream, my husband told me that Dr. W thinks the cancer is back, in his lung. That he has a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Friday. That he’s having a PET scan next week. That if the cancer is back they’ll do three rounds of intense chemo, stopping just short of killing him, then perform an autologous bone marrow transplant.

Then I stopped being able to think straight. We talked about Christmas and our son’s birthday plans, but I don’t really remember because all I was thinking was, “God, FUCK YOU! FUCK. YOU. How dare you! This is the biggest pile of bullshit. What the fuck? Explain this to me, because I don’t get it. And then come explain it to my kids, ASSHOLE. YOU TELL THEM!!! Because I shouldn’t have to deliver this message to them TWICE! What kind of plan is this? Huh? That’s my prayer, God. FUCK YOU. And, you know what? You handle it, because I sure can’t. You can just FUCK OFF if this is your grand master plan for me and mine because it sucks ass!!”

So, yeah. That was my day. How was yours? Did you tell any deities to fuck off today?

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Comments

[Jill @BabyRabies]

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so sorry :( Just... ugh... fuck :(

[LaDawn]

Dammit. I love you and your family. Be kind to yourself. FUCK CANCER

[Laura Scarborough]

oh no, this absolutely sucks! i am so sorry.

[Jeff]

Fuck Cancer, stay strong and let us know if we can help.

[califmom]

Thanks, man. Will do.

[califmom]

Thank you. It's nice to have someone to say "fuck" with.

[califmom]

Thank you. Love you, too. This just sucks ass. Big hairy ass.

[califmom]

I know. it sucks hard. :(

[Genie]

So sorry...so sorry...so very, very sorry.

[Astacia]

fuck fuck double fuck! cancer sucks.

[Debra]

In my own tiny realm of spirituality, I have come to believe that the ultimate expression of trust is to be able to say, "Fuck You!!!", to God. And if you don't mind, in response to this situation, I'd like to contribute the word shit. Fuck this shit! Enough is enough. I'll be giving God an ear full in your behalf.

[Tina@SendChocolate]

I am in tears. I wish there was something I could do from here. But, as pissed as I am at God, I will continue to pray.

I don't know how to do anything else.

[Debra]

Exactly.

[theresa.doede@intel.com]

i love you

[Whit]

I stopped believing in god so long ago I can't remember what it's like, but if he does exist he has some explaining to do.

[Al_Pal]

Oh, fuck a duck. Or fuck god with a duck. A hard, sandpapery, duck. Gah!

*EXTREME SADFACE* & also *PISSED OFF FACE* on your behalf. RAR.

And *****HUGS*****, holy geebs. :*(

I'll totally be sending tumor-shrinking vibes his way. I should probably come to your house or something. Damn!*HUGS*!!!!

[HIM]

I know it's hard but you have to think positive thoughts. Don't even think cancerous thoughts. Think healthy, clean never been better thoughts. Put cancer out of your head. I know it's hard, but you have to.

[Karen]

OH, fuck indeed. I think turning our energies to "FUCK YOU, CANCER!" is a good idea. DAMN, too.

As for God, I don't really know what I believe, but I know I don't believe that the more people who ask him for something, the more likely it is that he'll grant it. I don't think it's like a Facebook thing where the more people who friend him (or become his fan), the better the results. And, for those who do believe in him, I think they say that you can ask him for anything you want, but he still sometimes says no.

I believe in modern medicine, I believe in miracles, and I believe in Bob. Go, Bob!

[Traci]

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This definitely sucks hairy ass and every other nasty thing you can think of. And you're right to feel angry! You be as angry as you need to be, it will help you get through it. You and Bob *will* get through this! I'm not much for praying myself but I am sending tons of positive, healing vibes to you.

[Bob]

I am with you up until the last paragraph. This is just the road I'm on and I pray to God I find the strength to make it through; just like last time. Challenges are a part of life and though I wouldn't necessarily selected this one, it's here and it's time to win.

Thank you to all the folks out there who prayed for me during my first go-around. Please keep the prayers coming; they are much appreciated!

[Chels]

I love you guys. My cooking's really not too bad, and I swear I can clean--I'm better at doing it for other people than myself, for sure--I'm pretty sure you both know how to reach me. Even better, now I'm just a couple miles down the street for work 3 days a week, so not only am I always a phone call away, but Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I'm only a 10 minute drive away too.

I don't pray often, but when I do, you guys are always right at the beginning of my list--and you're ALWAYS in my thoughts.

Love,Chelsea

[sweatpantsmom]

Oh, fuck.

I'm so sorry. Again, fuck. And fuck cancer.

I go back and forth between believing and non-believing. But I'll still pray for a good outcome, all the while shaking my finger menacingly at the powers that be.

[Karen Polinsky]

Oh no Leah. I don;t even have words for this. Fuuuuuuuuuck. I am so sorry.

K.

[califmom]

HIM,

I don't have a clue who you are, but I do know that being told what to do right now doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure you mean well, but your timing and approach don't work for me.

Why would I believe you "know it's hard"? I don't even know who you are.

Quite frankly, I don't "have to" do anything. I have an infinite number of choices in how I deal with what's before me.

[califmom]

Thanks, Karen.

I'm leaning on all those things I know that have worked to bring us through this in the past. I think you named them all.