The Living Dead

Image via WikipediaI died for the first time in May of 2004. Kelly died and left. I died and stayed.

I died again on October 10, 2007. The school quit my son, and I quit life.

I don't know how to come back to life. It's been such a long time since I've felt like part of the living.

I'm good at faking it for the rest of the world, but Hubs knows. He knows because he's the one who takes care of his dead wife.

It is unfair, and I don't know how to fix it.

It is unfair to him. It is unfair to our children. It is unfair to me, but it is me.

How do you resurrect yourself?

Mind you, I have no intention of actually dying, at least not ahead of schedule or anything. But, this corpse I am right now, it's got to go.

I've had glimpses of being alive. They come in spurts, but never seem to stick.

I want them to stick.

I need them to stick.

I need to figure out how to string them together into living--make a chain of wholeness, lightness, happiness.

Until then, I thank God I have people who love me.

Comments

[Karen Polinsky]

Oh honey . . . {{{{hugs}}}}

[califmom]

Thanks, Karen. I know it will get better. Just trying to find my way.

[Lucretia Pruitt]

Hon? What are you doing to treat it? Life shouldn't be "survived" it should be lived.

I know how that loss never goes away - but living shouldn't go away. You have a beautiful family and a wonderful husband... and despite all the insanity with the school - you are a vibrant, vivacious woman. Do whatever you can, whatever it takes to get back to you. Because you know, "knowing" and "believing" and "experiencing" are all different things. Don't just know that things will get better, help them get better. Please?

Because dammit - you are rooming with me at BlogHer and I've been where you are and it sucks. Really frakking sucks on levels that are so sucktackular that words fail.

(((((((((hug)))))))))))

[califmom]

Wise words, my friend. Thank you.

Step one is to get my meds adjusted. Of course, our medical insuranceswitched Jan 1. So, I am waiting four our new ID cards to arrive, hopefullyin the next week.

I haven't really messed with my anti-depressants much in the past few years,at least not w/any success. So, it's time to get serious about it.

I'm tired of 'living' like this. It is so not living.

I'm also in the midst of fighting a post-op kidney infection or unknownorigin, and hoping it's not due to congenital defect of my ureters that Ihad surgically corrected when I was a toddler. There's a chance thatcorrection has been undone. :-(

Still looking forward to BlogHer. That's one of those bright spots I hangonto. Can't wait to see my Hobo Vag ladies!

[Lucretia Pruitt]

Yeah, I have that same issue of "well maybe if I can just tough it out a bit..." with medication. The "oh so sorry, your insurance is wonky" issue always makes it so much fun! :(

Wishing you a quick resolution to the infection issue. Battling less severe but oh-so-not-fun issues with my health here too at the moment and that's part of how I know that it just makes the depression even worse. Your system just beats the crap out of you when that happens.

So take it one step at a time and get back to you. I'm here if I can help. I can't wait to be with my Hobo Vag sistahs again in July. It's like a shining beacon in the year, isn't it?((((hug))))

[becky]

I went through several meds before I felt better and I never felt quite right on any of them. (For me it was birth control - once we got THOSE right the other was better.) I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. I really hope it gets better.

[califmom]

Thank you for your kind words, Becky. I've been through a few meds, but theone I take right now is the one I always end up coming back to. I know thereare more out there now than the last time I played around with things. So,it's time to make the journey again. Not looking forward to it, but knowit's time.

[zip n tizzy]

I don't have the right words except, "Damn depression!"Thinking of you. Hoping you get a break.

[MommyWizdom]

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you better.